Day 13

Last night, I had worked myself up into a fine anxiety frenzy by the time I left my house to meet B. I had a 10 minute walk to our meeting place, and I tried my hardest to find the appropriate perspective: I joined JDate to meet people, and so here I was, going to meet an actual person. I was achieving my stated objective! There was no reason to be so nervous.

B. was waiting at our assigned spot and I instantly recognized him. My first thought was, "Oh, thank God, he's cute." How shallow of me. And my second thought was, "This is not going to work out."

We decided to walk around for a bit, since we had plenty of time before the concert and there was no line for entry. The conversation was extremely stilted; I tried to be peppy and ask a lot of questions. He gave short answers and didn't ask any questions in return, and I could feel my energy start to wane. I got the sense that he was extremely shy, and the awkwardness of the conversation reflected his reticence. I'm shy too, but I can turn on the performance when I have to, and I normally do on dates, but I got tired after about half an hour. I think all the anxiety and worrying and then performing wore me out. We found an outdoor bar patio where we could sit and talk.

I asked about his family, whether they attended a synagogue, and how they were connected to the Jewish community. We had a good discussion, and being able to talk about it reaffirmed why I am trying JDate. I felt like here was a connection; even though it wasn't romantic, I felt like being Jewish was a common element we shared and we could speak the same language about it. This connection, apparently, is not enough to build upon, but it did make me realize that this Jewish connection is important. I could also tell that he was lonely, that he didn't have a large group of friends and found it hard to meet people.

Around this time, B. started to relax a little and participate in the conversation. We talked about things we had addressed in email, like travel and work and hobbies. Then we headed to the concert venue, where we knew talking would be more difficult because of the noise. This was probably the most awkward phase of the evening, because I could tell the music wasn't to his taste, and it was so loud that it was hard to talk. We stayed for a set, about an hour, and then I convinced him that we could leave.

He dropped me off across the street from my house (I know! Not too safe, but I seriously needed the ride home--I was tired and had the start of a serious blister on my left heel), and then called me a few minutes later to say he had a good time and maybe we could do something again where it would be quieter. I said I had a good time too, and that he should email me and we'll see what happens. (I know! I should have ended it right there, but I was thinking I should give it a chance...)

I don't know if I would go out with B. again. He's very cute and very sweet, and reminds me very much of a foreign boyfriend I had once upon a time, but I just don't *feel* like this could turn into a relationship. Which brings up a few issues: 1) does every date have to turn into a relationship? and 2) (more of a comment, I guess) this is where online dating breaks down for me. I think I (and I guess I mean "all of us who do this") rely on my (our) brain a lot in everyday life. We analyze, we interpret, we weigh the pros and cons, we construct matrices that take all emotion out of the decision-making process. But when we date, we have to rely on our feelings, on an instant of assessment that determines future actions. We can rationalize ourselves into or out of anything, and that's where I am at the moment. I didn't feel the instant romantic connection, but there are a lot of other good qualities about B. that I like (he's terribly smart, and funny, and cute), so should I give it a second chance? But I didn't *feel* that *thing*! I'm a little sad that I didn't feel more for this one, but I'm also a little relieved that I get to keep trying. Last night, while listening to the band with B., I found myself thinking about some JDate emails I needed to return and what steps I should take to try meeting other people.

I think it's time to re-evaluate the situation, as we're halfway through this month-long experience. I thought, after last night, I would re-dedicate myself to trying to connect with a few more people so that I could meet a few more people in person before my month is up, but I'm still having profile problems. When I log in this morning, I get the "unsuspend membership?" question, so I send a second message to customer service. This is killing my dating strategy, such as it is.