Closure: Part 1 of ?

Yesterday was Double-Date Monday. I had lunch with Funny Guy and coffee/dinner with Bike Guy. Which felt weird: as someone who rarely goes out on dates, having two in one day was a completely new phenomenon. I barely had time to be nervous, because I was rushing from one place to another all day. I think it actually helped me relax, because I had no pre-planned conversation topics, and I had no time to worry about remembering the details of previous phone and/or email conversations I had with each of them, and I just went with the flow.

I met Funny Guy at a Jewish deli, where he was chatting with the owner as I came in. He introduced me to the owner, and as we contemplated the menu, told me all about the history of the area and the restaurant and the owner. This guy is totally hooked in to the community. We left it that I would consider getting involved with the local Jewish social event committee. It was a very pleasant meal--no sparks, but I like him as a person and he has the connections to the Jewish community that could help me break in.

I met Bike Guy at a coffee shop in his town, which was on my way home from work. I got there early, and sat facing the front door, hoping I'd recognize him when he came in, but he entered the coffee shop from the rear, and sort of snuck up on me. He's cute, and he looked like his picture, so I was relieved. I immediately liked him--his gaze was very warm, as if we were friends already. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I felt at ease. We talked a lot about biking. A lot. We probably spent two hours in the coffee shop, and then we took a long walk, and the majority of the conversation was about biking. We did talk about other stuff--he asked me lots of questions about my work and my experiences, and I felt like I wasn't reciprocating, so I tried to hold up my end of the conversational bargain. He's articulate and expressive and we were able to connect on an intellectual level, which is definitely important to me. After a bathroom break at the three-plus-hour mark, we decided to get dinner. Dinner topics included politics and religion and technology and travel, and it all went very well. I like to get the big issues out of the way first, so there are fewer surprises later. At the end of the evening, Bike Guy said he had fun and he'd like to get together again, and I said I'd like to do that too. This weekend is already filled up for me, so I suggested we email each other this week and plan for something early next week. This morning, reflecting back on last night, I definitely want to see him again, even though I don't know exactly what I want out of this. Which is new territory for me.

Somehow, conversations with both guys turned to the process and experience of JDating. Both had a fairly laid-back philosophy--you try to meet people and see what happens. I agree with this approach! I think it's much more healthy than investing too much time and energy hoping and/or expecting. This way, you get to know people as people, unique as they may be, as opposed to thinking, "well, he's a great candidate but his teeth aren't perfect/he doesn't volunteer at a children's hospital/his parents are divorced/whatever". I'm left wondering, though, how do you evaluate a date? How do you know what comes next, or what you want? How long does it take to figure it out? Prior to applying the laid-back approach, I would try to schedule another date soon--a real date, like a Friday or Saturday night out. But using the laid-back approach, how do you know how long you need to get to know someone; how many casual cups of coffee? How do you like someone but keep your expectations low?

I'm still trying to figure out what I want with SMcG. I enjoy his company, and I enjoy the activities we do together, but I don't want our lives to get entangled. I realized that this has happened to me with previous relationships: you like someone, and you start to integrate them into all of *your* hobbies and activities and free time, and then suddenly, you're spending all your time together and you have no space and you don't even know this person. So, I'm hesitant to spend too much time with SMcG, because we're still getting to know each other. I am oscillating between thinking maybe we could date casually and thinking it's better not to even start anything because I know it's not going to go anywhere. I worry, though, about spending time with him *and* others, because it seems like it could get complicated quickly and people could get hurt.

I have more questions at the end of this process than I did at the beginning. I feel like I'm starting from scratch with my own expectations. More on this later.