Closure: Part 3 of ?: Second Date Update

I met Bike Guy for date #2 last night. I was looking forward to it because I enjoyed talking with him the first time, and felt relaxed with the pace and the content of our conversations. I was nervous, though, because I thought this date might determine whether I would like him too much or not at all.

We agreed via email to meet in my town at a local outdoor patio for a drink before deciding where to go for dinner. The place I picked out was closed due to the potential for inclement weather, so when Bike Guy arrived (he called at exactly our appointed meeting time to say he'd be 7 minutes late--precise and polite!) we went to an alternate outdoor patio for a beer. I found myself relaxing after my initial nervousness, perhaps due to a beer on an empty stomach. We talked about some of our mutual interests, and then decided to find an interesting restaurant for dinner. We talked more about dating expectations in general, and some of our dating expectations in particular. He's pretty laid back about dating--he's not looking to get married right now, but is interested in meeting new people and seeing what happens. We talked about the rules of dating; what are they, should there be any, and how do you learn what they are? Bike Guy said there shouldn't be rules, because one set of rules can't apply to every person and every situation. I argued the opposite: there should be rules because if you standardize the process and the expectations, everyone knows how to play the game. I do see his point of view, and actually, I think it's a better approach to life, but I think that if there are rules, and if you follow the rules, it makes whatever it is you're trying to do easier. I told him, as an example, when we went out last time, I was surprised that he asked to see me again at the end of the date, because according to the rules, you're supposed to wait a certain amount of time (there's some disagreement on what is the "appropriate" length of time to wait) before talking to your date again. I said that I was glad he asked me at the end of the date, because it felt natural. He said he didn't even know there were rules about that.

After dinner, we found a place to have ice cream, and then we took a long walk through the downtown area. We finally ended up at our original meeting site for a nightcap. I was getting tired, but I was enjoying myself because the conversation was so free-flowing. I think Bike Guy got tired too, because shortly after midnight he said he had to get going. He dropped me off at my apartment (I had walked to our meeting spot). I said I had a good time, he said he did too, and he said "I'll talk to you" and drove away.

So. I've been thinking about the evening. I had a really good time and I'd like to go out again and keep getting to know him. I like his relaxed approach to dating and the fact that he knows himself well enough to know that he's not looking for a marriageable partner right now. I feel the same way about myself: I'm not necessarily looking to get married right now, so I'd rather focus on spending time with people with whom I have a good time, am attracted, and have things in common. I really like the intellectual connection we have, our ability to talk about anything and everything. I give him a lot of credit--I think he's good at facilitating conversations and reading people, so the free-flowing conversational is not completely natural, it's the result of hard work on his part (and hopefully I'm holding up my end of the conversational bargain.) He said he's looking for a date and/or an activity partner (choic es provided by the JDate profile mechanism), and I think that's compatible with my choices of a date and/or a long-term relationship. I didn't choose "activity partner" because it sounded a little dirty, but I do want to be able to do "activities", dirty and otherwise, with my date/long-term relationship once or if it gets to that point.

But, now as I reflect on all the things I said, I wonder what he's thinking about me. I feel like I confessed to a lot of insecurities and weaknesses during our conversations, and I had a hard time articulating exactly what it was that I wanted from my JDate experience. I hope my inability to express the variety of conflicting wants and needs didn't come across as flighty or as wishy-washy. I would like to end up dating just one person, but I also want the flexibility to be able to keep my commitment casual, at least for now.

Yes, I overanalyze. It's part of my personality, and it's also required for what I do for a living. I think it's wiser not to overthink every little thing that was said or done or hinted at in body language or is in between the lines in an email message, but I do it anyway. I tell myself "it makes no sense to try to guess what he meant by 'talk to you'" but I wonder about it anyway. What does it mean if he doesn't email me today? Or if he does? Is it possible for two people to date if one overanalyzes and the other doesn't? I realized, upon reflection this morning, that I don't handle uncertainty well, and this is why I'm tempted by rules. And dating is all about uncertainty.

I also realize, as a result of my overanalytical reflection, that an intellectual connection is really important to me and a high priority on my list of desired characteristics in a partner. Though SMcG and I can easily talk about things, we don't have the same interest in intellectual pursuits as Bike Guy and I seem to have. Another valuable lesson learned as a result of dating.

So, I confess to you, readers, that I emailed Bike Guy this morning, saying I had a good time and suggested an activity for this Saturday evening. And now I play the mind games with myself--did I defy the convention of letting the man contact me and suggest another meeting? Was I right to go with my instinct? Am I asking for too much (2 dates in a week), too soon (according to my own standards)? How upset will I be if he doesn't want to get together again? Again, the uncertainty of having my proposition out there and not knowing what his response will be is a little anxiety-producing. I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't prevent me from worrying. Whatever the outcome, it will all be fine.

I think I'm a little intimidated by his ability to be casual in conversation and in his approach to dating. I wish I were able to be more casual and relaxed. I do think dating is good practice in becoming accustomed to being flexible and relaxing my own expectations. But I'm still hoping Bike Guy responds positively to my email sooner rather than later.