A Month of JDating

A Year of JDating

2007-07-18T19:58:00.001-07:00

One year ago, I went on a great date that started with coffee, went on a walk, and continued over sushi. I'm happy to say we're still dating, even though we're currently separated by 2400 miles for 3 months. We will see each other during this time, and I'm looking forward to many more dates with Bike Guy!

Blogworthy days

2007-03-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first bike ride of the season. Almost. Bike Guy and I dusted off our bikes, ready to hit the road after a long winter's rest, even though the weather was a little chilly, about 50 degrees, and threatening rain.

We decided to bike over to a local bikeshop to get him a rear fender (in case it did rain, it would prevent wetness from being thrown up against his back or thrown back into another rider's face) and for me to test drive a road bike. (I currently have a used front-suspension Kona mountain bike; I used to have a road bike once upon a time but gave it up thinking I'd never bike on these roads around here, because the roads are terrible--they don't call it the Motor City for nothin'--but I'm already thinking of a multiple-day ride for next summer and vowed not to do one again on a mountain bike.) We achieved our goals at the bike shop, about 2 or 3 miles from my place, and then we mapped out a route about 10 miles downtown to a tasty lunch spot.

We made it another mile or two before Bike Guy's rear tire blew out, due to a massive piece of glass. We happened to be in front of a biker bar (the Harley kind) when this happened, and though the neighborhood wasn't great and I was worried the bikers wouldn't take well to our kind (bicyclists), the owner came out and volunteered a patch kit. We decided to have lunch before repairing the tire because I was hungry and borderline cranky, and took seats at the bar, which was only inhabited by two other patrons, who appeared to be regulars. The bartender informed us that the kitchen was currently closed, because they were preparing for a huge barbecue party that night. However, the bartender offered us his own ham sandwich, which was roughly the size of a human head, filled with thick slabs of meat and slathered in mayonnaise and mustard. We took him up on his offer, and purchased some potato chips, a beer (for Bike Guy) and a soda (for me) to wash it down. Best. Sandwich. Ever.

After lunch, Bike Guy patched his inner tube and tried to glue the hole in the tire shut. We decided to head the mile or so back to my place because his tire definitely wouldn't last a 20-mile roundtrip, but we barely made it 5 feet before it blew again, loudly. We then walked the bikes dejectedly back to my place, feeling frustrated that the first ride ended so badly, even though we got lucky with the lunch and the friendly bikers.

Later that afternoon, we drive to the bike shop to buy a replacement tire and some other supplies with the intent of trying our bike ride again the next day. We spent the evening sipping whiskey and playing an 80s-trivia board game. The game's activities included acting and singing songs from various years in that decade, so the amusement provided by the game was directly proportional to the amount of whiskey consumed. Bike Guy does a mean breakdancing worm, and my knowledge of 80s song titles and artists meant that we each won one game. Drunk and silly, we retired for the night.

Today brought us equally chilly and rainy weather, but we determined to reach our goal of brunch downtown. Bundling up with layers of spandex and fleece, we mapped a route and set out through some historic neighborhoods and un-trafficked roads, arriving in a little over an hour to a feast of stuffed french toast and shrimp-and-crab hash. We lingered over lunch before tooling around downtown a little and heading back. The weather improved throughout our trip, and we arrived home in sunny, high 50-degree weather.

Just thought I'd share a great weekend with all y'all.

Year End Update

2006-12-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

Hi there. Long time no post. Just wanted to let you all know that things are going well here. Made it through a difficult time. Still having a great time with Bike Guy. Still unsure about how to blog about it. Start a new blog? Aim for anonymity? Keep up this blog though it isn't about JDate anymore? Anyway. I hope the new year brings you happiness online and off.

...or is it?

2006-09-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

The story isn't over yet. Thought I should let you know Bike Guy and I are dating again. It happened because he reached out for me when I pushed him away, and is giving me what I say I need, whether I need time together or time apart. I'm trying to figure out this relationship business as we go along, and I guess that's just what people do!

(He found this blog [hi there, Bike Guy!] through some diligent research, so as much as I'm glad that there are no secrets between us, I'm reminded there's no such thing as privacy on the internet, and I'm not sure whether I want to blog about my most random, meandering, nonsensical, anxiety-ridden innermost thoughts. That's what therapy's for.)

The next month is completely focused on a set of professional hurdles. My friends, Bike Guy included, have been so supportive, cooking me dinner and/or taking me out to dinner and/or keeping me company when I need to take breaks. But there's little time for mental introspection/blogging, so let's just call this a hiatus for now. I'll be back.

The End

2006-08-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well. I've come to the end of this particular blog road. I broke up with Bike Guy yesterday. Here's what I think happened: I've been having anxiety about those major professional hurdles I mentioned earlier, and as part of the emotional crisis in dealing with those, a lot of other emotional issues were triggered. Including some issues with dating and relationships. So, I felt the need to end things with Bike Guy because I was unable to deal with being in a relationship. The only relationship I can handle right now is the one with my trained mental health professional.

Anyway, sorry to end on a down note. I can't even come up with some platitudes about how online dating works for many, even though I think it does. I guess I found out that I have to work on myself first before I can find someone, so at least I learned through my month of JDating.

Happy dating, all y'all.

Filling in a few blanks for the commenters

2006-08-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Just to recap:

I cancelled my JDate membership as planned, after one month (see Days 28 and 29). At the moment that the month was up, I was conflicted about SMcG, and was a little tired and frustrated with the process of meeting people. I had met 3 JDates in person, on top of SMcG, and I felt like I was a little overwhelmed with the pace of developing and maintaining these new connections. At that point, I thought I would just see everything to its natural conclusion: work out the friendship ith SMcG and just follow through on my scheduled dates with Funny Guy and Bike Guy. Luckily, all three turned out well: SMcG and I are still friends and activity buddies, Funny Guy and I have lunch on a semi-regular basis as friends, and I really like Bike Guy. What happened with Bike Guy is a little surprising, seeing as how right before we went on our first date I cancelled my membership. Which to me means that I was ready to give up JDating whether or not I was interested in either Funny Guy or Bike Guy romantically. If things don't work out with Bike Guy, I most likely won't join JDate again at least for a while, because I have a few serious things in front of me professionally that need to be taken care of. And not spending so much time dating, mating, and relating will definitely free me up to fully focus on those. But I'm hoping that 1) things work out with Bike Guy and 2) I'll be able to balance my personal and professional needs.

Ah, anxiety. I'd say it's like an old friend, because it's been around so long, but it's more like an arch-nemesis. Let all who peruse these posts understand that I am fully aware that I have Issues, and these Issues are being explored by me and a trained health professional. This anxiety is something I've been working on, off and on, for almost 4 years. I believe I am a much stronger and healthier person now, and I'm headed in the right direction. I'm in the process of figuring out what I want out of life (and out of relationships), learning how to be honest with myself, and becoming proud of the distance I've come.

What I've realized is important: there are no reasons to have anxiety about Bike Guy. I see no red flags regarding any of his words or actions, and he's given me no reason to doubt anything he's said or done.

Bike Guy is out of town this weekend and I'm out of town next weekend, but we have several dates planned for in-between, and many many text messages exchanged in the meantime.

Dates 7 and 8

2006-08-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

More great dates. These included, but were not limited to, biking, swimming, cooking, eating, talking, drinking, playing, listening to music, laughing, and dozing off.

The best part was when Bike Guy told me he suspended his JDate membership and broke off contact with all other potential/current dates because he wanted to be with me.

I'm riding the horse in the direction it's going.

Dates 5 and 6

2006-08-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a very social couple of days. Bike Guy came over Thursday evening and we had a great dinner-and-a-movie date. Then yesterday, we had an all-day, outdoor, eat and talk and be entertained date. An incredible time was had by all.

Reading over my last post, my list of wants and don't-wants still holds true. I feel like I'm walking a thin line between being happy and doing all the right things, and being a crazed freakshow and spending way too much time worrying. I like him, he says he likes me in words and actions, so what's the problem?

A lot of my initial nervousness has completely subsided, so that's a good thing. But I think this is a tricky phase of dating: you start to think this is a regular thing, and you think ahead to the next weekend and things you'd like to do with this person, and perhaps you assume that you are going to spend some or most of the weekend together, and then suddenly you're spending all your time together and you're irritated that this person's in your space or this person's irritated that you're in their space and you end up wondering how you got involved in this in the first place and it all becomes shit? Whew. Dangerous thoughts go round and round. So. How does one keep perspective? Seriously. I could use some help.

Thoughts on my mind

2006-08-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

I don't want to rush into a serious relationship, but I'd like to, in general, head in a monogamous relationship direction
I don't want to spend all my time with him, even though I want to see him frequently
I need to maintain my own life--all the things I need and like to do I need to keep doing and not have my life revolve around dates
I want to be able to have a date/an activity partner, as JDate calls it, and keep that in perspective
I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past
I don't want to assume or expect too much
I don't want to spend all my time thinking about it
I don't want to get hurt
I hope this phase--the fun, exciting, getting-to-know-you and enjoying-the-developing-attraction phase--lasts a long time
I want to be able to balance dating with everything else in my life

No closure in sight (for now)

2006-08-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

A quick review to get caught up:
Date #3 with Bike Guy Saturday night. Date #4 last night. Date #5 scheduled for Thursday. Things look (and feel) good.

Saturday night I made a picnic and we went to an ourdoor play. Afterward, because it was still relatively early for a Saturday night, we went back to my house, walked to a coffee shop, then walked back and watched a movie. After the movie, we talked for a long time and negotiated the 3rd-date-post-date smooch. It was great--he handled the whole situation very calmly, while I chattered away and fluffed the couch pillows, both signs of extreme nervousness. Eventually he stepped in and took care of business. Now that that's out of the way...

Last night he made me an unbelievable dinner at his place. He made everything from scratch, and it was all fresh and delicious. Even the dessert was made with care. The meal made me feel quite special. And maybe the bottle of wine we drank had something to do with it. We talked for hours. Then cuddled on his couch while watching a movie. And then came more lovely smooching. We talked more about our expectations, and we agreed that things are good, things are fun, let's keep doing fun good things without worrying about what may or may not happen. I'm looking forward to Thursday.

I almost forgot to mention: lunch with Funny Guy today.

Second Date Update 2.0

2006-07-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

Bike Guy emailed me that night to accept my Saturday night invitation, so all my anxiety-riddled overthinking was for naught. Of course. And now, I'm nervous about The Third Date.

One of the purposes of this blog is to be completely honest about my own processes and issues with dating. Perhaps it seems silly for me to vent about the crazy workings of my mind, but I thought, in some small way, it would be useful for others to have a window into what one person goes through. So, it's partly therapeutic for me to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, and hopefully it's partly informational about what goes on behind the scenes, before and after the actual public date.

And I guess I'll keep blogging as long as I still have something JDate-related to blog about!

Closure: Part 3 of ?: Second Date Update

2006-07-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

I met Bike Guy for date #2 last night. I was looking forward to it because I enjoyed talking with him the first time, and felt relaxed with the pace and the content of our conversations. I was nervous, though, because I thought this date might determine whether I would like him too much or not at all.

We agreed via email to meet in my town at a local outdoor patio for a drink before deciding where to go for dinner. The place I picked out was closed due to the potential for inclement weather, so when Bike Guy arrived (he called at exactly our appointed meeting time to say he'd be 7 minutes late--precise and polite!) we went to an alternate outdoor patio for a beer. I found myself relaxing after my initial nervousness, perhaps due to a beer on an empty stomach. We talked about some of our mutual interests, and then decided to find an interesting restaurant for dinner. We talked more about dating expectations in general, and some of our dating expectations in particular. He's pretty laid back about dating--he's not looking to get married right now, but is interested in meeting new people and seeing what happens. We talked about the rules of dating; what are they, should there be any, and how do you learn what they are? Bike Guy said there shouldn't be rules, because one set of rules can't apply to every person and every situation. I argued the opposite: there should be rules because if you standardize the process and the expectations, everyone knows how to play the game. I do see his point of view, and actually, I think it's a better approach to life, but I think that if there are rules, and if you follow the rules, it makes whatever it is you're trying to do easier. I told him, as an example, when we went out last time, I was surprised that he asked to see me again at the end of the date, because according to the rules, you're supposed to wait a certain amount of time (there's some disagreement on what is the "appropriate" length of time to wait) before talking to your date again. I said that I was glad he asked me at the end of the date, because it felt natural. He said he didn't even know there were rules about that.

After dinner, we found a place to have ice cream, and then we took a long walk through the downtown area. We finally ended up at our original meeting site for a nightcap. I was getting tired, but I was enjoying myself because the conversation was so free-flowing. I think Bike Guy got tired too, because shortly after midnight he said he had to get going. He dropped me off at my apartment (I had walked to our meeting spot). I said I had a good time, he said he did too, and he said "I'll talk to you" and drove away.

So. I've been thinking about the evening. I had a really good time and I'd like to go out again and keep getting to know him. I like his relaxed approach to dating and the fact that he knows himself well enough to know that he's not looking for a marriageable partner right now. I feel the same way about myself: I'm not necessarily looking to get married right now, so I'd rather focus on spending time with people with whom I have a good time, am attracted, and have things in common. I really like the intellectual connection we have, our ability to talk about anything and everything. I give him a lot of credit--I think he's good at facilitating conversations and reading people, so the free-flowing conversational is not completely natural, it's the result of hard work on his part (and hopefully I'm holding up my end of the conversational bargain.) He said he's looking for a date and/or an activity partner (choic es provided by the JDate profile mechanism), and I think that's compatible with my choices of a date and/or a long-term relationship. I didn't choose "activity partner" because it sounded a little dirty, but I do want to be able to do "activities", dirty and otherwise, with my date/long-term relationship once or if it gets to that point.

But, now as I reflect on all the things I said, I wonder what he's thinking about me. I feel like I confessed to a lot of insecurities and weaknesses during our conversations, and I had a hard time articulating exactly what it was that I wanted from my JDate experience. I hope my inability to express the variety of conflicting wants and needs didn't come across as flighty or as wishy-washy. I would like to end up dating just one person, but I also want the flexibility to be able to keep my commitment casual, at least for now.

Yes, I overanalyze. It's part of my personality, and it's also required for what I do for a living. I think it's wiser not to overthink every little thing that was said or done or hinted at in body language or is in between the lines in an email message, but I do it anyway. I tell myself "it makes no sense to try to guess what he meant by 'talk to you'" but I wonder about it anyway. What does it mean if he doesn't email me today? Or if he does? Is it possible for two people to date if one overanalyzes and the other doesn't? I realized, upon reflection this morning, that I don't handle uncertainty well, and this is why I'm tempted by rules. And dating is all about uncertainty.

I also realize, as a result of my overanalytical reflection, that an intellectual connection is really important to me and a high priority on my list of desired characteristics in a partner. Though SMcG and I can easily talk about things, we don't have the same interest in intellectual pursuits as Bike Guy and I seem to have. Another valuable lesson learned as a result of dating.

So, I confess to you, readers, that I emailed Bike Guy this morning, saying I had a good time and suggested an activity for this Saturday evening. And now I play the mind games with myself--did I defy the convention of letting the man contact me and suggest another meeting? Was I right to go with my instinct? Am I asking for too much (2 dates in a week), too soon (according to my own standards)? How upset will I be if he doesn't want to get together again? Again, the uncertainty of having my proposition out there and not knowing what his response will be is a little anxiety-producing. I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't prevent me from worrying. Whatever the outcome, it will all be fine.

I think I'm a little intimidated by his ability to be casual in conversation and in his approach to dating. I wish I were able to be more casual and relaxed. I do think dating is good practice in becoming accustomed to being flexible and relaxing my own expectations. But I'm still hoping Bike Guy responds positively to my email sooner rather than later.

Closure: Part 2 of ?: Are we there yet?

2006-07-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

Just a wee pre-weekend update:

I set the friendship boundaries with SMcG. I think he is such a good person, and I'm glad he can handle being friends. I feel immensely better having settled the matter (at least in my own mind). SMcG, in addition to other (non-Jewish) people to whom I tried to explain this (you know who you are!), still doesn't get the somewhat ambiguous but important religious factor. But we are able to play our sports as friends, and I'm so glad for that.

Received a follow-up email from Funny Guy, promising friendship and asking to get together again. I'm definitely up for friendship, so I'm holding off on replying to his email so that I transmit the "just friends" vibe.

Received a follow-up email from Bike Guy, reiterating that he had a good time and that he was looking forward to our next meeting. I sent a reply back, saying I had a good time too, and included some links to stuff we'd talked about, and proposed getting together on Tuesday. He replied again, so I sent another message indicating I was trying to come up with something creative for our next meeting, and wanted to know what time he'd be free in the evening. I haven't heard back from him in almost 48 hours. Now, I'm not saying this delay is unreasonable, I guess I'm just a little disappointed--I wanted to trade a few more emails between now and then. And of course, part of me is thinking the worst, like oh no, I scared him off with trying to be creative! I didn't ask enough questions! I didn't respond to something he said! And then another part of me is kind of relieved that he's not responding right away because that means he's not too into me. Or is he trying to transmit the "just friends" message? It's all kinds of crazy up in here.

He responded with a nice and witty email confirming a time for Tuesday. Heh.

Closure: Part 1 of ?

2006-07-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Double-Date Monday. I had lunch with Funny Guy and coffee/dinner with Bike Guy. Which felt weird: as someone who rarely goes out on dates, having two in one day was a completely new phenomenon. I barely had time to be nervous, because I was rushing from one place to another all day. I think it actually helped me relax, because I had no pre-planned conversation topics, and I had no time to worry about remembering the details of previous phone and/or email conversations I had with each of them, and I just went with the flow.

I met Funny Guy at a Jewish deli, where he was chatting with the owner as I came in. He introduced me to the owner, and as we contemplated the menu, told me all about the history of the area and the restaurant and the owner. This guy is totally hooked in to the community. We left it that I would consider getting involved with the local Jewish social event committee. It was a very pleasant meal--no sparks, but I like him as a person and he has the connections to the Jewish community that could help me break in.

I met Bike Guy at a coffee shop in his town, which was on my way home from work. I got there early, and sat facing the front door, hoping I'd recognize him when he came in, but he entered the coffee shop from the rear, and sort of snuck up on me. He's cute, and he looked like his picture, so I was relieved. I immediately liked him--his gaze was very warm, as if we were friends already. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I felt at ease. We talked a lot about biking. A lot. We probably spent two hours in the coffee shop, and then we took a long walk, and the majority of the conversation was about biking. We did talk about other stuff--he asked me lots of questions about my work and my experiences, and I felt like I wasn't reciprocating, so I tried to hold up my end of the conversational bargain. He's articulate and expressive and we were able to connect on an intellectual level, which is definitely important to me. After a bathroom break at the three-plus-hour mark, we decided to get dinner. Dinner topics included politics and religion and technology and travel, and it all went very well. I like to get the big issues out of the way first, so there are fewer surprises later. At the end of the evening, Bike Guy said he had fun and he'd like to get together again, and I said I'd like to do that too. This weekend is already filled up for me, so I suggested we email each other this week and plan for something early next week. This morning, reflecting back on last night, I definitely want to see him again, even though I don't know exactly what I want out of this. Which is new territory for me.

Somehow, conversations with both guys turned to the process and experience of JDating. Both had a fairly laid-back philosophy--you try to meet people and see what happens. I agree with this approach! I think it's much more healthy than investing too much time and energy hoping and/or expecting. This way, you get to know people as people, unique as they may be, as opposed to thinking, "well, he's a great candidate but his teeth aren't perfect/he doesn't volunteer at a children's hospital/his parents are divorced/whatever". I'm left wondering, though, how do you evaluate a date? How do you know what comes next, or what you want? How long does it take to figure it out? Prior to applying the laid-back approach, I would try to schedule another date soon--a real date, like a Friday or Saturday night out. But using the laid-back approach, how do you know how long you need to get to know someone; how many casual cups of coffee? How do you like someone but keep your expectations low?

I'm still trying to figure out what I want with SMcG. I enjoy his company, and I enjoy the activities we do together, but I don't want our lives to get entangled. I realized that this has happened to me with previous relationships: you like someone, and you start to integrate them into all of *your* hobbies and activities and free time, and then suddenly, you're spending all your time together and you have no space and you don't even know this person. So, I'm hesitant to spend too much time with SMcG, because we're still getting to know each other. I am oscillating between thinking maybe we could date casually and thinking it's better not to even start anything because I know it's not going to go anywhere. I worry, though, about spending time with him *and* others, because it seems like it could get complicated quickly and people could get hurt.

I have more questions at the end of this process than I did at the beginning. I feel like I'm starting from scratch with my own expectations. More on this later.

Day 30

2006-07-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of composing some "lessons learned" from my month-long experience. I need some time to get my thoughts together, and I also have two remaining "dates" to go on, so I guess I can legitimately continue to blog for a few more days. Thanks for all the great comments! It's been really helpful to hear that others identify with me. Stay tuned...

Days 28 and 29

2006-07-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

I talked on the phone with Bike Guy. It was a good conversation, but I was really tired and I wasn't expressing myself well. We have vague plans to talk on the phone again this week. While we were talking, the subject of belonging to a temple came up, so I mentioned how my mother is very active in her community. Just saying a simple sentence like "she teaches crafts related to the Jewish calendar" and having the other person understand without having to explain anything was such a relief. *This* is why I want to date someone Jewish.

So, this made me very apprehensive for my date with SMcG. In addition to his not being Jewish, I feel like we are worlds apart in our everyday experiences. We talked over dinner about politics and religion--two big no-nos for dates!. I brought up politics, briefly, because I just wanted to feel out where he stood. I got the sense that he's sort of middle of the road, and I lean left, so we're not too far apart, but we couldn't really talk about it. And religion came up, and I tried to explain why being Jewish is important to me, even though I don't actively practice, but I was just so tired of trying to explain it. I felt like crying out of frustration. Not a good feeling for a date.

The date was good overall. I enjoy hanging out with him, and I am attracted to him, but just *know*, on some deep level, that this relationship can't/won't go anywhere, because for me, the Jewish thing, the political thing, and the worlds apart thing are major. And I'm really stressed out by this. I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed out that I cancelled/rescheduled my lunch with Funny Guy because I just can't handle another stressful event today. And now I'm reevaluating my previous stance on why being friends first is a better way to ensure good dates, because I want to be friends with SMcG, but I don't think I can date him, and I don't know how to "break up" with him after one real date, because I'm afraid we'll lose the friendship.

This, my friends, is why I hate dating. And, I cancelled my JDate subscription today too.

Days 26 and 27

2006-07-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

To explain my reference in the previous post: In the movie Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye is wrestling with his daughters' marriage choices. For his eldest daughter, he was able to talk himself into allowing her to marry the tailor, her love, instead of the butcher, a much more financially stable option. For the next daughter, he was able to talk himself into allowing her to marry a teacher from a village far away. The next daughter fell in love with a man who was not Jewish, and Tevye was not able to talk himself into allowing that marriage. For him, there was no "other hand" to balance the fact that his daughter's choice was not of the same faith.

I was just using this example to demonstrate that all Jews would be familiar with this movie and the reference, but this example didn't empirically hold up. I think you all get my drift though.

Anyway. There is an interesting series of conversations in the comments on Hilary's and JDatersAnonymous' blogs: debates about when you *know* if there's chemistry between you and your date, and whether you can be friends with someone you meet via online dating if there is no chemistry.

How many dates is too many to handle? Four. I am supposed to call Bike Guy tonight, I have an actual date with SMcG tomorrow, I have a lunch date with Funny Guy scheduled for Wednesday, and I gave my personal email to Shy Guy. I'm a little stressed over managing multiple people and multiple forms of communication (in-person, phone, and email conversations).

SMcG asked me out last night on a real date. We had dinner after our last league game of the season, and then he showed me some apartments he's renovating. As I was getting ready to go home, he told me that when we were watching fireworks for the 4th, he wanted to ask me out but he didn't know if it would be awkward. So would I have said yes if he asked me out? I said, "yes, I would have said yes." He said, "so would you like to go out on a real date?" I said yes. Dorkily, I told him that I wasn't sure if he actually saw me as a girl, since we usually just hung out before/during/after sporting activities and I was usually wearing sweaty clothes and cleats. He said, sweetly, that there were four times that he specifically noticed that I was a girl. First, when we went to meet up with friends of his for dinner, he wanted to tell me how nice I looked. Second, when we were playing soccer and he wanted to tackle me. Third, when we went out to dinner on the 4th, he wanted to sit next to me instead of across from me. And fourth, again, during the fireworks.

It's funny to me that SMcG is making the distinction between date and not-date, whereas I (and I like a nice dichotomy) was taking a let's-see-where-this-goes approach to hanging out. I figured the "are we dating?" question would come up at some point. I think it was exacerbated by people asking us, "are you together?" when we showed up for our sporting events together.

I'll let you know how the date, the conversation, the lunch, and the email correspondence go.

Days 24 and 25

2006-07-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

I found a surprise in my JDate inbox. I received an email from Shy Guy, one from the group I emailed about 10 days ago. I responded to his message, after combing through his profile, looking for something to generate some email questions. If we get a conversation going before my month expires, I'll give him my personal email address.

I've been thinking about why it's more appealing and easier to make friends "organically" or "the old fashioned way" than to meet people online. Online, you choose your criteria: you pick the ideal age range, height parameters, education levels, even hair and eye color. Maybe we think we've selected a perfect mate because we've input our criteria and the online matching technology tells us that these people are right for us. And then you meet, and you hope this person is perfect in person, because they meet all, or most, or even a few of your physical requirements. Compare this to meeting people who become your friends. You have no control over any of their physical attributes; you just accept them for who they are, because you enjoy their company, because you "click" in person! We don't have many online friend finders, right? I know they're out there, but I don't think they're as widely socially accepted as online dating sites. And it's because we can't (or don't) order up friends the same way we order up dates. I'm saying *that's* the magic that I'm looking for in a date--the same chemistry that happens when we meet a complete stranger in a random encounter in a public place and find out that we have so much in common! It happens naturally if we're lucky, and the odds aren't good that it happens artificially through online matching.

I think this is somewhat related to the importance of being Jewish. I may not be practicing religion at this moment in my life, but finding someone who is Jewish means we have a somewhat common set of experiences and understandings. This is why I chose JDate as a means to meet people: one of my criteria would already be taken care of. It's hard to describe this to people who aren't Jewish. For the non-Jews out there, can you imagine trying to describe all the rituals surrounding your Easter celebration to someone who has no experience of Easter? Even if you aren't religious, you still probably spend some time with family, and there's a meal involved, and you have particular foods at this meal, and there are so many funny family stories related to these foods, and you and your family and your close friends all understand this without having to explain it. Now do the same thing with Christmas and Father's Day and all these other days that have this common thread through them. That's the key: you don't have to explain what any of these means to you, because most people of Christian/Catholic backgrounds have many of these elements in common. If I said "I went home for Passover and I thought I was going to starve before we actually had dinner", how many of you who aren't Jewish would know *exactly* what I meant? I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes being Jewish is like speaking a completely different language from almost everybody else, and when I think about the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'd like us to speak the same language. Or it's like getting an inside joke; it doesn't need to be explained because you just understand because you have all the context. Perhaps you disagree, and you don't see the Jewish/not Jewish distinction as a big deal, but sometimes it feels like a huge deal. I have only dated non-Jews (by circumstance, not by deliberate choice), and I thought I would try JDate as a way to make sure I would meet Jewish men. Perhaps ironically, I like someone who just doesn't happen to be Jewish more than the made-to-order Jewish men.

Take my soapbox, please!

So, I continue to wrestle with this issue. On the one hand, I have a great new male friend in front of me who isn't Jewish, and on the other hand, I have a few new Jewish male strangers who ostensibly meet my preferred criteria, but with whom I don't have the same connection as Sporty McGoy, or whatever we're calling him at the moment. On the other hand... there is no other hand! (Raise your hand if you get this fairly mainstream but old Jewish reference, and let me know if you *do* get it, or if you *don't* and you feel sort of like you're on the outside looking in.)

Days 21, 22, and 23

2006-07-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Sorry 'bout the time between posts. Holiday weekend and all. I've been haing fun, and I'm currently out of town with intermittent internet access, which hopefully excuses my blog-absence. I think you'll forgive me the lapse once I get to the good stuff.

Seems like the more things I do in real life, the less time and interest I have in virtual life. I'm exchanging daily emails with Bike Guy, but I find that I'm not logging into JDate. I've been spending time with friends indulging in outdoorsy interests in the good weather. I love summer! Summer makes me more inclined to find romance, but this is also the best time of year to fully immerse myself in the sporty hobbies I favor. Perhaps ironically, I'm more likely to meet people during the summer sport season, but I chose to start JDate right when I was about to start getting outside of my own accord. My free evenings and weekends are filling up with group sport activities, and I find I'm looking forward to these much more than lining up prospective dates. How can I make these good times last throughout the year, so that I don't swing the other way in the winter months, with no group sport activities and no dates?

So. About a month ago, I met someone through Craigslist. He advertised in the platonic section, looking for women to play on a co-ed league. I responded to his ad, because I wanted to try this particular club sport. He went out of his way to make me feel welcome on the team, arranging to meet me before the first game so he could introduce me to the other members of the team, and we just hit it off. Since he recruited me, I recruited him back for another league sport, and we found that we had tons of interests in common, so we've started spending more time together before and after our games. At first I thought I wasn't attracted to him, but now I have a little crush on him, so I'm really enjoying how our friendship is developing and I'm looking forward to the times we spend together. He is, of course, not Jewish. But he needs a nickname for this blog so I can continue to talk about him. Suggestions?

Days 19 and 20

2006-07-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

Things are a little slow around here, which I'm attributing to the holiday weekend and to the fact that my interest is starting to fade 3 weeks into this 4-week experience.

I received a very sweet "I like you, do you like me back?" type of email from B. I replied that I didn't feel a romantic connection, but I liked him very much, thought he was sweet/cute/smart. He responded that he appreciated my honesty. I'm glad our exchange was civil. I do wish I could figure out what that little magic element is, and how it boils down into someone's profile, so that I (and I would share this information with the world!) could better predict whether I will like someone in that special way, even if they meet all the other cute/smart type criteria.

Funny Guy asked to meet after our respective schedules calm down next week, so I suggested lunch, as we work relatively near each other.

Bike Guy and I are exchanging daily emails.

I received an email the other day from someone new -- PhD Guy. The email was writtern pretty well, as was the profile. He (obvs) has an advanced degree, which is great, 'cause I like smarts, and he has lived in a few places that I have lived, but I just don't feel like replying to his message. His pictures are just okay. I wonder if this is the same process that the-people-I-wrote-to-who-didn't-respond go through? I don't want to reject him outright, because I'm still thinking about replying, even if it has been a few days, but I haven't been able to bring myself to start up a conversation, and I don't know why. Am I just tired? Or do I have a good gut reaction to the profile (thanks, but no thanks?)? Or am I ruling him out based on his photos? I'm sort of stalling for time.

I do check JDate daily, just to keep myself active so that my profile will appear towards the top of the list. I've been noticing profiles that come up in my searches with names like "not looking" and "this is a waste of 35 bucks." So, if you're "not looking" and already have a bad attitude, why bother? I wonder if profiles like these get any responses. Also the ones with fake pictures--you know the ones I mean? Pictures that are clearly don't represent the person?

I spend a lot of time reading blogs, and in an unscientific study, I've come across several where people have read each others' posts, started a conversation via commenting, fell in love, met in person, and are blogging happily ever after. Is this online dating 2.0? Is blogging the new JDating?

Days 17 and 18

2006-06-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was filled with non-JDate activities, so I'm a little behind in my blogging. Not much happened anyway. I exchanged email with Funny Guy and Bike Guy, and I did nothing about B. I talked with a friend about the guy she's dating, and she said because *he's* outgoing, it makes her more outgoing as well. A little lightbulb went on above my head, and I realized that the only thing I didn't really like about B. is that it took so much effort to draw him out. Two shy people together perhaps isn't a good match. Even though it did get better on the second date, it was still me being chipper, cheerful, chatty (the 3 C's of dating?) that made it work. And boy was I tired after that.

I decided to do a pile sort analysis on the 13 profiles of people who contacted me and I responded to them, and the people who I contacted, to see if I could identify any patterns in my own evaluation processes. I printed out each profile (they're about 3 pages each) and sorted the "pile" in different ways.

First sort:
Have I met them in person? n=2
Am I actively corresponding with them? n=2
Did they send me a "flirt" to which I responded but then didn't hear back from them? n=2
Have they not responded to an email I sent? n=7

This sort doesn't tell me much, other than that the people I like are not guaranteed to like me back.

Second sort: Age
28 n=2
29 n=2
30 n=1
31 n=2
32 n=1
33 n=2
36 n=2
37 n=1

Interesting; there isn't a normal distribution between the ends of the spectrum. Beyond that, I don't know what to make of this.

Third sort: Where did you grow up?
In this state n=8
Elsewhere n=5

Of the whole population, 8 people have lived outside this state even if they are from here originally.

I guess this makes sense. Where I currently live, people tend to come from large families with deep roots in this area. But, I know that I look for people who have lived elsewhere and come back, or who are from the places I'm from, because that gives us something in common.

Fourth sort: Height
6' or over n=5
Under 6' n=8

This criterion is not a dealbreaker for me; I was just curious. I wouldn't rule someone out on height alone, although I have had experiences where men add a couple of inches to their height on paper, and then it's shocking when you meet them in person and they don't even come up to your chin. My philosophy is, why lie about something that you can't hide?

Fifth sort: Body style
JDate gives you the opportunity to select from a few pre-defined categories to describe your body style.

Active/fit n=6
Average/medium build n=3
Firm & toned n=2
Stocky n=1
Lean/slender n=1

This is isn't a useful sort. I compared each person's body style to their height and weight (if provided), and couldn't conclude anything. Besides, I would classify myself as "active/fit" even if I weren't (but I am, in case you're wondering), because the other answer choices aren't as flattering. What's more important to me is how active someone is, because I know I want to be with someone who is interested in taking care of themselves and who likes to do a variety of physical activities.

Sixth sort: Activity level
Again JDate offers these pre-determined answer choices.
Very active n=5
Active n=7
Selected activities (?) n=1

So, someone who describes himself as "active" could be a "lean/slender" or a "stocky" or a "average/medium" or an "athletic/fit". So, ultimately, there is no objective way to rate a person, because the profiles are all subjectively written! Even though I kind of knew this, I think this analysis helps solidify my opinion. You really don't know someone based on their profile. Everyone puts forward their idealized self on their profile. You want to make yourself sound good, right? Even if your profile doesn't exactly match who you *really* are. And I know I do this too; what good would it do me to put on my profile something like "I tend to over analyze every little thing and obsess about the tiniest detail. Oh, and by the way, I will blog about this."

Seventh sort:
Is the picture more impressive than the writing in the profile? n=6
Is the writing more impressive than the picture in the profile? n=7

I guess I wanted to know this about myself. Am I the type who bases her choices on looks or on substance. I feel confident saying here that how a person writes and presents himself is ultimately more important than the photo. But, it surely helps to have an attractive picture.

It's been 2 days since I emailed that bunch of prospective matches, and I have only heard from Bike Guy, so as time goes on, I guess the odds that I'll hear from any of the others decreases exponentially. (I would love to hear why they didn't respond to me. In the interest of research, I'd like to know why they didn't like me. My picture not good enough? My writing too sarcastic? My requirements too stringent? It would be fascinating to know these things.) Which means I should throw the others out of my analysis, which greatly reduces my n. And I guess the whole point of doing JDate is to increase the n!

Day 16

2006-06-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had ice cream with B. last night as a 2nd date. It was much better than the first. I think my instincts were right about him being shy, because he was much more relaxed this time. We had a good time chatting, but after an hour and a half I reach a point where I just want to scurry home and hide under the covers, and I don't know if this is a sign of a bad date or if it's just me being me. He's so cute, and sweet, and smart, but all I could think of at the end of the date was "don't try to kiss me or anything!" and I ran.

So I'm still thinking about what to do next about B. How many dates does it take to know if a person is boyfriend material?

I met Funny Guy today when I picked up my event passes. I really enjoyed chatting with him. He's very easy going and funny and totally at ease with people. He's also a bit of a big wig because of his job. He's been interviewed for tv and print about this event, and he's also written a book about one of the local cities. But, again, no physical attraction. I totally want to be his friend, because he's so cool, but how do you tell that to someone you met on a dating site??

I want to print out all the profiles of the people I've sent emails to so far to see if I can find a pattern in my behavior, thereby shedding some light on how I go about choosing prospepctive dates, and perhaps finding a method to increase the likelihood of success.

I found another person to whom I'd consider sending an email: his name shall be Medicine Guy.

I exchange another round of email with Bike Guy. No one else from yesterday's group of seven has responded to me.

Also, I'm still having "suspended membership" problems with the site. Customer service has given me helpful advice such as "call us the next time it happens" and "perhaps an ex-boyfriend is using your password and logging into your account?" For the former, I've made 6 calls so far, and for the latter, I told JDate that I'm the only one who uses my computer and I live alone, and of course no ex-boyfriend knows my password, and even changing my password doesn't resolve the problem. Oy.

I seem to be drawn to people who are "not from here", because neither am I, and I guess we'd have that "stranger in a strange land" thing in common.

Seriously, the best part about the whole thing is blogging about it.

Day 15

2006-06-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

I have been checking my personal email obsessively to see if I have gotten any responses to my multiple emails. I receive only one notification that I have a new message in the last 12 hours. Low self esteem kicks in. What's wrong with meeee? How come no one's looking at me or sending me email? When I log in to the site this afternoon (I know, it's not my allotted time but I wanted to get to the *one* message that was waiting for me), again I am asked if I want to unsuspend my membership. Now, I'm not saying that having my membership in a state of suspension is the only reason that I'm not getting any "hits", so to speak, but it probably isn't helping if my profile doesn't show up on the site. I call customer service again, but they see nothing wrong with my profile, and don't know why the suspension keeps happening. Perhaps someone else is using my account, or my computer? No, I say, it's just me. I live alone, and no one uses my computer. Call us back if it happens again, they say. How is that going to help? I shake my fist at the ceiling, in the imagined direction of all things JDate.

The message is from Bike Guy, one of the seven I emailed last night. His profile caught my eye because it was well-written and refers to some biking adventures that sound interesting. I have a newly acquired interest in mountain biking, so my message to him contained some local references that he might recognize. His response to me is written well, so I write back again.

I forgot to mention the other day that IM Guy tried IM'ing me again, but with a different username. I declined, of course, because you can't fool me with a new name!

To recap the potential suitors:
B. - 2nd date tonight
Funny Guy - offered me VIP passes to a local event; will meet him when I pick them up
Fitness Guy - nothing since our last IM exchange
Martial Arts Guy and this other guy without a nickname - they sent me a flirt, I sent an email back, no subesquent responses
IM Guy - seriously, I wish he'd stop.

The people I emailed last night:
Bike Guy - need I say more? We've exchanged emails
Tie Guy - good looking professional, self-proclaimed sports fanatic
Professional Guy - practicing professional who's into yoga and soccer
Young Guy - he's young, he said he's not looking for anything serious, but he's so cute
Shy Guy - he said he's shy but funny, and he's not from here
Lawyer Guy - outdoorsy
East Coast Guy - guess where he's from originally? Also, very witty.

I see that I tend to choose people based on how they write, even though I fall for a pretty face once in a while.

Day 14

2006-06-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

I decide to give B. a second chance to make a first impression. We're meeting for ice cream tomorrow, and if we can't have a good time over ice cream, what hope is there for anything further?

I also sent 7 emails to prospective matches on JDate. I'm proud of me, because my emails are short but personal yet witty, if I do say so myself. I figure, I'm just trying to meet people by making a little conversation. I also figure, some of the people I contact aren't paying members and won't write me back, and some won't write back because they don't like my picture/are intimidated by my erudite style, so that leaves one or two who may respond. And if I correspond with a few people, and agree to meet one or two more in person, then this month will be considered a success.

Here's a funny story: so Funny Guy offered to give me a VIP pass for two to an upcoming foodie event that he is working. I say, sounds great. He says, I'll leave the passes for you under your name. So apparently I am invited to go to this event... but not with him!

I think I have my perspective back after the turmoil of this weekend! Thanks to all the commenters, public and private, who listened to me rant and kept me sane.

Day 13

2006-06-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had worked myself up into a fine anxiety frenzy by the time I left my house to meet B. I had a 10 minute walk to our meeting place, and I tried my hardest to find the appropriate perspective: I joined JDate to meet people, and so here I was, going to meet an actual person. I was achieving my stated objective! There was no reason to be so nervous.

B. was waiting at our assigned spot and I instantly recognized him. My first thought was, "Oh, thank God, he's cute." How shallow of me. And my second thought was, "This is not going to work out."

We decided to walk around for a bit, since we had plenty of time before the concert and there was no line for entry. The conversation was extremely stilted; I tried to be peppy and ask a lot of questions. He gave short answers and didn't ask any questions in return, and I could feel my energy start to wane. I got the sense that he was extremely shy, and the awkwardness of the conversation reflected his reticence. I'm shy too, but I can turn on the performance when I have to, and I normally do on dates, but I got tired after about half an hour. I think all the anxiety and worrying and then performing wore me out. We found an outdoor bar patio where we could sit and talk.

I asked about his family, whether they attended a synagogue, and how they were connected to the Jewish community. We had a good discussion, and being able to talk about it reaffirmed why I am trying JDate. I felt like here was a connection; even though it wasn't romantic, I felt like being Jewish was a common element we shared and we could speak the same language about it. This connection, apparently, is not enough to build upon, but it did make me realize that this Jewish connection is important. I could also tell that he was lonely, that he didn't have a large group of friends and found it hard to meet people.

Around this time, B. started to relax a little and participate in the conversation. We talked about things we had addressed in email, like travel and work and hobbies. Then we headed to the concert venue, where we knew talking would be more difficult because of the noise. This was probably the most awkward phase of the evening, because I could tell the music wasn't to his taste, and it was so loud that it was hard to talk. We stayed for a set, about an hour, and then I convinced him that we could leave.

He dropped me off across the street from my house (I know! Not too safe, but I seriously needed the ride home--I was tired and had the start of a serious blister on my left heel), and then called me a few minutes later to say he had a good time and maybe we could do something again where it would be quieter. I said I had a good time too, and that he should email me and we'll see what happens. (I know! I should have ended it right there, but I was thinking I should give it a chance...)

I don't know if I would go out with B. again. He's very cute and very sweet, and reminds me very much of a foreign boyfriend I had once upon a time, but I just don't *feel* like this could turn into a relationship. Which brings up a few issues: 1) does every date have to turn into a relationship? and 2) (more of a comment, I guess) this is where online dating breaks down for me. I think I (and I guess I mean "all of us who do this") rely on my (our) brain a lot in everyday life. We analyze, we interpret, we weigh the pros and cons, we construct matrices that take all emotion out of the decision-making process. But when we date, we have to rely on our feelings, on an instant of assessment that determines future actions. We can rationalize ourselves into or out of anything, and that's where I am at the moment. I didn't feel the instant romantic connection, but there are a lot of other good qualities about B. that I like (he's terribly smart, and funny, and cute), so should I give it a second chance? But I didn't *feel* that *thing*! I'm a little sad that I didn't feel more for this one, but I'm also a little relieved that I get to keep trying. Last night, while listening to the band with B., I found myself thinking about some JDate emails I needed to return and what steps I should take to try meeting other people.

I think it's time to re-evaluate the situation, as we're halfway through this month-long experience. I thought, after last night, I would re-dedicate myself to trying to connect with a few more people so that I could meet a few more people in person before my month is up, but I'm still having profile problems. When I log in this morning, I get the "unsuspend membership?" question, so I send a second message to customer service. This is killing my dating strategy, such as it is.

Days 11 and 12

2006-06-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

Nothing of note happened on Day 11, other than I took commenters' excellent advice and arranged to meet B. at a coffee shop near the concert venue instead of giving him my home address out of convenience's sake.

So here I am, on D(ate)-Day. All of Dori's pre-date anxieties hold true for me, except the ironing. No ironing here! That's one less anxiety for me.

I had terrible nightmares last night. One of which was that I arranged to meet B. at a specific time and place, but I was 40 minutes late, and I called him to apologize and see where he was, and he was justifiably peeved and had left, and I begged and pleaded and cried for another chance, but he said no.

Will I recognize him? Does he look like his picture? Will he do the drive-around-the-block-to-get-a-look-at-me-and-then-stand-me-up? Is this all an elaborate trick to humiliate me? Am I being Punk'd (or perhaps, Jew'd?)? Will I be able to understand his accent? What if he engages in totally inappropriate first-date behavior ( e.g., insults me, touches me, refers to certain body parts, touches certain body parts?) What if we hate each other on sight but are forced to spend several hours together at this concert? What if we like each other? What about the age difference? He's 4 years younger than I, which is a bigger age gap than any other previous dating experience of mine. His age-range criteria fell two years short of my age. Reading over his profile again, I see that it tells very little about him, which makes me wonder, how carefully did I evaluate him before basing my opinion on his picture? Do we have the same expectations for the evening, and for dating in general? Speaking of which, what are my expectations? I hope we both like each other equally, and have a good time, and plan to meet again.

Things that can go wrong: The weather--cooler than expected, which affects my wardrobe decision. My hair--any humidity and poof! Instant 'fro. My shoes--spectacular peep-toed pumps which look great with my outfit but are impractical for traipsing all over my town and staying upright at a standing-room-only concert. Also, the right one is in need of restitching in a key location, so if the last few stitches give tonight, I may need a piggy-back ride home. My stomach--nervous, which means I didn't eat much today which means drinking more than one alcoholic beverage is a bad idea.

What an odd way to meet people, this online dating thing. Complete strangers who know very little about each other agree to meet in person to see if they like each other enough to meet again. What are the odds that this other person is my version of normal? This experience is testing the boundaries of my comfort zone. I am comfortable with the way I have constructed my life: I know how to be single, I know how to be alone, I know that being alone is important to me. Meeting new people is hard for me for a few reasons: 1) I'm shy, and 2) I don't have a huge network of friends and contacts, so I rarely encounter new people.

Charming but single (a new blog find) put it so precisely: "Yes, I do want to date. But I also don't want to go on bad dates and lower my standards." Therefore, it's a lot easier to stay at home, in the comfort zone, rather than risk.

At any rate, I have just enough time for a nap before commencing date preparations.

Day 10

2006-06-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

I forgot to include the response I got to my polite rejection from separated guy with kids:

Me: Hi--Thanks for your message. You sound nice, but not quite who I'm looking for. Lots of luck in your search!
Him: i'm not actually looking for anything other than someone to wordplay with. happy j dating.

Um, so why are you on a dating site?

Anyway. In an email, B. asks what's happened to my profile? I assume the "suspended membership" situation has not been resolved, since apparently my profile doesn't show up on the site, so I call customer service and the representative can't do anything to help me. Somehow, as both he and I are navigating in the depths of my profile, the problem resolves itself, so let the JDating begin again.

Need some advice regarding my date Saturday with B.: we're going to see a band that's playing within walking distance of my house. I was thinking of suggesting to him that he meet me at my place and park and we walk over together. This way, we're guaranteed to recognize each other, the complicated Saturday night parking situation is resolved, and we get a few minutes to chat in quiet before the show starts. On the down side, a complete stranger will know where I live. Thoughts?

Day 9

2006-06-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

When I log in to JDate, I get a message asking if I want to unsuspend my membership. This has happened a few times. So is my membership suspended when I'm not logged in? I send a question to JDate's Help Desk.

I check to see if B. has been online. I've been "lurking" around his profile; that is, I go to the JDate main page and do a narrow search as a guest so he comes up in the results, and I can see whether he's logged in recently without having to sign in. I notice that B. has not logged in since we set a date to meet. Should I be flattered or scared?

A few minutes later, I see B. has logged in, so I IM him. At the same time, Fitness Guy IM's me. I figure, I can multitask, so I chat with them both simultaneously. I am afraid that I'll type a response to the wrong guy, causing mass confusion and embarrassment, but I seem to manage ok.

I have a really good chat with B., where we find we have similar opinions on smoking (hate it), movies (loved "The Machinist), and certain US cities (like to visit, wouldn't want to live there). I ask him to fill in the details about where he's lived, and he obliges. I'm really looking forward to our date Saturday!

The chat with Fitness Guy is also good; we trade some fitness stories, but I'm paying more attention to B.

After signing off with both suitors, I reply to a message from Funny Guy.

Just your average day on JDate...

Day 8

2006-06-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

One of the problems I've had with relationships in the past is that I tend to let the other person drive the car, so to speak. I feel like I'm willing to try new things, like the other person's hobbies, but somehow in that process I tend to lose my focus on my own interests. Which is kind of strange, since I have a strong personality. So where's the balance between being totally true to yourself, as in, this is me, love it or leave it, and open-minded, as in, sure, I'd love to go to a shooting range with you, even though it goes against everything I stand for? This is what I mean about trying to stay true to myself throughout this online dating process. I think my hobbies and interests make me unique, and I enjoy the things I do, so I want to keep doing them, but then how do I make the time and effort to get to know someone else and their interests? Just something I'm wrestling with as I think about meeting people and keeping an open mind.

In other news, I worried all day about how to reply to *all* the messages that have been piling up over the last few days. Turns out, there only three messages to which I owe a reply. Two receive my "standard rejection" (one guy classified himself as "separated" and referred to his not-yet-ex wife in his profile!), and I spent some time composing a reply to Funny Guy. I don't know why I thought I had too much to handle.

But, I think I identified a new species on JDate. They send you a "flirt" and then don't read or respond to the reply you send. Two people I hotlisted have done this flirt-and-flake technique. I don't know how to spot them ahead of time, but I do know they're out there.

And finally, B. emailed to say he'd get tickets tomorrow for our date Saturday. Cute! I have a million questions I want to ask him, and I think it's because he's a little mysterious in the emails he's sent. And by mysterious, I could mean evasive. I'm not sure if he's shy, or not getting my questions, or deliberately avoiding them. Hmmm.

Day 7

2006-06-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm tired. I don't feel like composing any semi-introductory email messages, so I think I'll take a day off. B. and I exchanged a couple of emails, and that's about all I can handle at the moment.

It's weird to think that perhaps B., like me, is also getting to know a few other people through email, and may have obligations to get online and keep up with the correspondence. I can see when he's been online, and vice versa, so it's not like it's a secret, and we certainly don't owe each other any fidelity at this point, but it's just weird.

Tomorrow I'll get back in the game.

Day 6

2006-06-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

I really appreicate Dori's excellent observation that girls are somewhat in control of the pace of the exchange of personal information, since we've got to be more careful. I recommend her blog, her personal experiences, and her insights on dating. Thanks Dori!

So this morning, I offer B. my personal email address in my reply to his message.

Flirts received from the following, to which I replied:
Funny Guy. We "clicked" each other. I thought his profile was extremely funny, and though I'm not entirely sure about his pictures, I like his sense of humor. He wrote an excellent introductory email--should be the gold standard for all men on JDate. Maybe he could offer a seminar or a webinar or an instructional video.

Martial Arts Guy. Again, we "clicked" each other. His profile was funny, and his pictures were cute. I like men with martial arts experience.

Email from:
Random Guy. He emailed me. I have not seen him before, so he didn't come up in my searches. Seems like a nice guy, but a lot of his email was directly cut-and-pasted from his profile. Hmmm. And, he has several pictures, and each one looks so different from the other. 4 pictures, 4 totally different haircuts and 4 different looks. I don't know which one is the most accurate. Plus, he lives a little far for my tastes--about 60 miles. I hold off on replying to him.

I see Fitness Guy is online, so I IM him, partially to avoid emailing him directly. We chat just for a few minutes. The IM program through JDate is very slow, so we agree to send each other emails.

Just as I'm ready to log off, B. sends me an IM. I'm excited to hear from him, since I've been waiting all day to see if he would contact me at my personal email address. We chat for a while, and here's what transpires:
[me]: I think this IM program is pretty slow--it's not too conducive for chatting!
[B.]: yes, this must be it. Nothing to do with the fact that i'm multitasking
[me]: (thinking, multitasking? What are you doing, IM'ing multiple women at the same time?) I understand multitasking. I have a few windows open myself...
[B.]: trying to look up when exactly does [cool band] come to [your town]
[me]: I believe you said next Saturday?
[B.]: feel like coming to their show?
[me]: Definitely!

Eeee, a question, the best kind! A request for a date! We chat for a long time. Things look good from here!

It occurrs to me that the things he was saying to me in previous emails could have been oblique invitations, but who knows. It's hard to read subtleties with email.

I'm behind with my "cheat sheets" with all the potential JDates. I'm finding it's harder to remember what I've told whom, not what they've told me! How do I keep track of where I am with my stories?

I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about, worrying about, and surfing JDate. One of my original concerns (see the rules, Day 0) was that I'd get all obsessed with it, and I think I'm dangerously close to violating that rule. I need to learn how to manage my time better!

Day 5

2006-06-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

After I get up and get moving this morning, I log into JDate to reply to the message from B. It's short--two sentences, but one of them is an actual, direct, requires-a-response question! Small victory for me. However, he asked where I go to medical school, which is strange, because nowhere in my profile or in our previous email conversations was there anything to indicate that I go to medical school. And, for the record, I'm *not* in medical school. So, apparently, I can't win. I get a question, but it's the wrong question. I compose a reply, politely but firmly correcting the medical school mistake, and following up with yet another question. In my head, I'm wondering if he's gotten me confused with another JDater Girl. I wonder if she asks all kinds of annoying questions too.

As I finish, I get a notice that a member wants to IM me. Oh no, I think, it's IM guy again, who clearly doesn't get the message. But it's Fitness Guy, someone who I hotlisted and who sent me a flirt that I replied to yesterday. We have a chat--mercifully, he asks me some questions, and I ask him some, so there is an actual, back-and-forth conversation going. After a few minutes, he says he has to go (off to do fitness-related stuff) but provides his personal email address and says I can email him anytime. I tell him he can email me anytime too.

I wonder whose responsibility it is to email now. It sort of feels like the responsibility is mine--he is using what I have heard called the "lead a horse to water" technique: you provide the opportunity and hope the other person takes it. I think this is probably what happens when you're confident you know the "system" and have been doing this for a while. But I don't want to do all the work. And I'm not sure I want to give out my personal email address yet. Because you can find out a lot of information about someone once you have their name. Case in point: I checked out Fitness Guy's website. Turns out he *is* a fitness guy, and is trying to start up a fitness business.

I also grab a notebook and start making notes on what I know about Fitness Guy and B. so far. Each gets his own page, so going forward, I can quickly refer back and avoid making the "medical school" mistake. It's not a spreadsheet, but perhaps a less-anal way of keeping track of JDates.

Reflecting on the past few days, it seems that most of my concerns are about process. What is the process for getting to know someone through a online dating service? I think I feel most comfortable with a few days of email exchanges, then if it still feels like there's potential (the first phase is where I can eliminate those without a love for the written word), proceed to personal email. Since I haven't gotten to phase 2 yet, I don't know what comes after. I wonder if I am understanding the process correctly, or if men have a completely different idea of the process.

Day 4

2006-06-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

My essays have been approved, so now potential matches can read all about me.

I'm breaking my own rules--I checked JDate several times already today. I wonder what the protocol is for responding to emails on a Friday. Does it make me seem like a loser if I'm logging into the site on a weekend evening? Does it show a total disregard for the Sabbath?

I have a new email message from B., as well as a few flirts from others in my JDate inbox. I send a reply to B., including a question or two. His messages are good, as in well-written, but he doesn't ask the same type of questions that I do. I ask things like "So where in Europe have you traveled?" and "Where are some good paved rollerblading paths?", because in his profile he mentions these specific things. His responses to me include semi-questions which are somewhat rhetorical, as in, "that's right near you, isn't it?" It seems that you would ask questions if you wanted to find out about someone. He did send some specific links to things that I mentioned, such as a local band, so I definitely appreciate the effort. I'll try to not to read too much into it, and just "ride the horse in the direction it's going," as a friend of mine says.

Of course, now I wonder about the protocol for continuing the exchange. How many emails should go by before suggesting an activity? Who asks? Do we graduate to talking on the phone, or do we exchange personal email addresses? I've heard conflicting opinions on how much email must happen before personal contact is initiated. Plus, I gave him plenty of opportunities to pick up on my personal interests. Isn't it natural to say, for instance, "Oh, you like trolling antique fairs for classic baseball cards? Me too! We should check one out together this weekend." (Personal interests have been changed to protect the innocent.)

On to the other mail I received. Why do people send a "flirt"? It seens to be a bit of a cop-out. It puts the onus on the other person. The flirts I am receiving say "I'm intruiged--feel free to email me." Why don't *you* email *me* if you're so intrigued? How can I convey to potential suitors that I would be seriously impressed with a well-crafted email message?

IM guy from yesterday IM's me again. Why, why?

A few flirts are from people that I had hotlisted. Now I'm worried about managing multiple people at the same time. I've heard rumors of people using spreadsheets to keep all their suitors straight. I wouldn't go that far, but maybe have a standardized list of questions where I can gradually fill in information so that I can recall whose story is associated with what event?

Notification arrived that a message from B. is waiting for me in my JDate inbox just as I was on my way out the door for the evening. I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow to be read and answered!

Day 3

2006-06-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a little disappointed that the people that I've hotlisted have not viewed my profile or contacted me. The only people who are looking at me are men in their 40s. From other states. I send my rejections.

I'm also not impressed with the functionality of the site. I'd like to be able to sort according to how I've rated my favorites (whether I think we'd "click", maybe, or no). I also can't see who's online by state or proximity, I have to look at all men in the US between a certain age range.

Checking my stats again, I see that a member that I've hotlisted is currently online and has indicated that he thought we'd "click." He's the first one I'm excited about! He's cute, tall, widely traveled, and physically active, if a little young. I start to compose an IM, but I chicken out and close the window before I send it. I'll draft an email instead...

By the time I send him an email, he's sent me one. I'll wait to see if he responds to mine.

Someone else tries to IM me. I decline, because he's divorced with 2 kids. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm in the middle of composing an email and divorced with kids is not tops on my list. I see in my inbox that I receive "IM Messages You Missed!", and divorced-2-kids guy said he can't tell what my username means because my essays have not been approved by customer service yet. Frustrating, because in them I use my words to express my wit. How long does it take to get essays approved? It's been 3 days!

B. sends me an email in response to the one I sent him. His message is fairly well written, and everything is spelled correctly. This makes me happy. He was born in Europe, has traveled extensively, and has been in this state for the past 3 years. He does not ask me any questions (I made sure to ask a question in mine--how else are you supposed to get the conversation going?), but I respond to his message anyway with some witty comments and another question. I'm over my hour time limit, but I'll give it a few more minutes before ending tonight's session.

Another email, but no questions about me. What does this mean? Is he not interested, or just not familiar with the rules of engagement? He's not from the US, so maybe different rules apply? I decide to IM him to see if I can get a little more response. He doesn't respond, and I'm ready to call it a night, so I send him an email saying I'd like to hear more about what he's yet to see in our area. I wouldn't mind hearing from him again!

Day 2

2006-06-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

In my personal email account, I see that I have received some mail. In my allotted time slot, I log in, committed to answering my email in a timely and polite fashion. Almost immediately, I get a pop-up message asking if I will allow a member to IM me. I check out his profile and consider. He's younger than I am looking for, and I'm not really impressed by his profile or his pictures. But, I tell myself, I'm here to meet people. So I click on "accept" on the pop-up. An IM window opens, and this conversation ensues:

[him]: sup
[him]: what's up
[him]: what up
[me]: This is my first time using IM on JDate!

*long, long pause*

[him]: well that's cool I guess

*long, long pause*

[me]: (thinking, buddy, you IM'd me, so how's about working the conversation?) So, what's your name?
[him]: [his name]
[him]: u
[me]: [my name]

*long, long pause*

[him]: so what's with [your username] anyway?
[me]: Well, did you read my profile? I have a prediliction for a nicely-turned phrase
[him]: give me an example

(me, thinking: uh, was that not specific enough for you?)
[me]: {I forget exactly, but I used a few more big words and sibilant sentences}
[him]: that's complicated

*long pause*

[him]: do you use [other IM service]?
[me]: Nope.

*long pause*

[me]: Well, nice to meet you. I've got to run.

I log off the IM, since it's not too productive and I'm really not impressed with this guy. I go to my Inbox to deal with the one email message and two flirts I have received since yesterday. The first message is from a man in his 40s. Nice guy, but not for me. I give him my newly patented, polite-but-nice rejection. I try to do the same to the flirts, but it's hard to reply to a canned one-liner. I decide that a flirt doesn't warrant a personal response.

While I'm working on my mail, I keep getting pop-up messages that the IM guy from before wants to IM me again. I keep clicking "decline" but he keeps trying to IM me. I just ignore him after three "declines."

I organize my favorites before signing off for the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll send some emails. Baby steps!

Day 1

2006-06-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to stick to my "one hour, one time a day" rule, so I don't log on to the site, but I keep checking my personal mail to see if I've received notification that I have messages. Already I'm obsessing. I get nothing the first 24 hours. I tell myself to be patient. These things take time. Even if you only have a month.

Day 0

2006-06-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

I think I'm ready to try dating again after a long, self-imposed hiatus. I think I know what I'm looking for, and I think I'm ready to invest the time and effort necessary to find people to date. I think I'm ready to handle the worrying about self-esteem, worrying about being true to what I want, worrying about rejecting unsuitable suitors kindly but firmly. It's summer, and I have some time, and I feel like I'm ready to take a chance again (thanks, Barry Manilow!).

Based on prior experiences, both in person and online, I have some guidelines for myself about acceptable dating procedures, so that I don't get all emotionally and intellectually wrapped up in this. Here they are:
1. Only spend one hour max, one time a day, checking email and browsing profiles.
2. Reply to all messages. When rejecting, be polite but firm. (My best friend said to come up with a "standard rejection" ahead of time so that I can just pull it out and use it when necessary and avoid all the angst.)
3. Know what I want and don't deviate. That's the hard part. It's hard to get beyond the generic. I know I want to date someone smart, funny, good looking, athletic. But who doesn't consider themselves to be all of the following? I know I do. Does this mean I really *am* these things, or do I have an overinflated sense of self?

Anyway, it's all systems go. I'm officially signed up on JDate, my profile is active and visible, my essays are well-written and witty, and I'm ready to meet a nice Jewish boy. I will give this endeavor one month of effort, and chronicle my adventures here for all to see.