The End

Well. I've come to the end of this particular blog road. I broke up with Bike Guy yesterday. Here's what I think happened: I've been having anxiety about those major professional hurdles I mentioned earlier, and as part of the emotional crisis in dealing with those, a lot of other emotional issues were triggered. Including some issues with dating and relationships. So, I felt the need to end things with Bike Guy because I was unable to deal with being in a relationship. The only relationship I can handle right now is the one with my trained mental health professional.

Anyway, sorry to end on a down note. I can't even come up with some platitudes about how online dating works for many, even though I think it does. I guess I found out that I have to work on myself first before I can find someone, so at least I learned through my month of JDating.

Happy dating, all y'all.

Filling in a few blanks for the commenters

Just to recap:

I cancelled my JDate membership as planned, after one month (see Days 28 and 29). At the moment that the month was up, I was conflicted about SMcG, and was a little tired and frustrated with the process of meeting people. I had met 3 JDates in person, on top of SMcG, and I felt like I was a little overwhelmed with the pace of developing and maintaining these new connections. At that point, I thought I would just see everything to its natural conclusion: work out the friendship ith SMcG and just follow through on my scheduled dates with Funny Guy and Bike Guy. Luckily, all three turned out well: SMcG and I are still friends and activity buddies, Funny Guy and I have lunch on a semi-regular basis as friends, and I really like Bike Guy. What happened with Bike Guy is a little surprising, seeing as how right before we went on our first date I cancelled my membership. Which to me means that I was ready to give up JDating whether or not I was interested in either Funny Guy or Bike Guy romantically. If things don't work out with Bike Guy, I most likely won't join JDate again at least for a while, because I have a few serious things in front of me professionally that need to be taken care of. And not spending so much time dating, mating, and relating will definitely free me up to fully focus on those. But I'm hoping that 1) things work out with Bike Guy and 2) I'll be able to balance my personal and professional needs.

Ah, anxiety. I'd say it's like an old friend, because it's been around so long, but it's more like an arch-nemesis. Let all who peruse these posts understand that I am fully aware that I have Issues, and these Issues are being explored by me and a trained health professional. This anxiety is something I've been working on, off and on, for almost 4 years. I believe I am a much stronger and healthier person now, and I'm headed in the right direction. I'm in the process of figuring out what I want out of life (and out of relationships), learning how to be honest with myself, and becoming proud of the distance I've come.

What I've realized is important: there are no reasons to have anxiety about Bike Guy. I see no red flags regarding any of his words or actions, and he's given me no reason to doubt anything he's said or done.

Bike Guy is out of town this weekend and I'm out of town next weekend, but we have several dates planned for in-between, and many many text messages exchanged in the meantime.

Dates 7 and 8

More great dates. These included, but were not limited to, biking, swimming, cooking, eating, talking, drinking, playing, listening to music, laughing, and dozing off.

The best part was when Bike Guy told me he suspended his JDate membership and broke off contact with all other potential/current dates because he wanted to be with me.

I'm riding the horse in the direction it's going.

Dates 5 and 6

It's been a very social couple of days. Bike Guy came over Thursday evening and we had a great dinner-and-a-movie date. Then yesterday, we had an all-day, outdoor, eat and talk and be entertained date. An incredible time was had by all.

Reading over my last post, my list of wants and don't-wants still holds true. I feel like I'm walking a thin line between being happy and doing all the right things, and being a crazed freakshow and spending way too much time worrying. I like him, he says he likes me in words and actions, so what's the problem?

A lot of my initial nervousness has completely subsided, so that's a good thing. But I think this is a tricky phase of dating: you start to think this is a regular thing, and you think ahead to the next weekend and things you'd like to do with this person, and perhaps you assume that you are going to spend some or most of the weekend together, and then suddenly you're spending all your time together and you're irritated that this person's in your space or this person's irritated that you're in their space and you end up wondering how you got involved in this in the first place and it all becomes shit? Whew. Dangerous thoughts go round and round. So. How does one keep perspective? Seriously. I could use some help.

Thoughts on my mind

I don't want to rush into a serious relationship, but I'd like to, in general, head in a monogamous relationship direction
I don't want to spend all my time with him, even though I want to see him frequently
I need to maintain my own life--all the things I need and like to do I need to keep doing and not have my life revolve around dates
I want to be able to have a date/an activity partner, as JDate calls it, and keep that in perspective
I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past
I don't want to assume or expect too much
I don't want to spend all my time thinking about it
I don't want to get hurt
I hope this phase--the fun, exciting, getting-to-know-you and enjoying-the-developing-attraction phase--lasts a long time
I want to be able to balance dating with everything else in my life

No closure in sight (for now)

A quick review to get caught up:
Date #3 with Bike Guy Saturday night. Date #4 last night. Date #5 scheduled for Thursday. Things look (and feel) good.

Saturday night I made a picnic and we went to an ourdoor play. Afterward, because it was still relatively early for a Saturday night, we went back to my house, walked to a coffee shop, then walked back and watched a movie. After the movie, we talked for a long time and negotiated the 3rd-date-post-date smooch. It was great--he handled the whole situation very calmly, while I chattered away and fluffed the couch pillows, both signs of extreme nervousness. Eventually he stepped in and took care of business. Now that that's out of the way...

Last night he made me an unbelievable dinner at his place. He made everything from scratch, and it was all fresh and delicious. Even the dessert was made with care. The meal made me feel quite special. And maybe the bottle of wine we drank had something to do with it. We talked for hours. Then cuddled on his couch while watching a movie. And then came more lovely smooching. We talked more about our expectations, and we agreed that things are good, things are fun, let's keep doing fun good things without worrying about what may or may not happen. I'm looking forward to Thursday.

I almost forgot to mention: lunch with Funny Guy today.