Days 17 and 18

Yesterday was filled with non-JDate activities, so I'm a little behind in my blogging. Not much happened anyway. I exchanged email with Funny Guy and Bike Guy, and I did nothing about B. I talked with a friend about the guy she's dating, and she said because *he's* outgoing, it makes her more outgoing as well. A little lightbulb went on above my head, and I realized that the only thing I didn't really like about B. is that it took so much effort to draw him out. Two shy people together perhaps isn't a good match. Even though it did get better on the second date, it was still me being chipper, cheerful, chatty (the 3 C's of dating?) that made it work. And boy was I tired after that.

I decided to do a pile sort analysis on the 13 profiles of people who contacted me and I responded to them, and the people who I contacted, to see if I could identify any patterns in my own evaluation processes. I printed out each profile (they're about 3 pages each) and sorted the "pile" in different ways.

First sort:
Have I met them in person? n=2
Am I actively corresponding with them? n=2
Did they send me a "flirt" to which I responded but then didn't hear back from them? n=2
Have they not responded to an email I sent? n=7

This sort doesn't tell me much, other than that the people I like are not guaranteed to like me back.

Second sort: Age
28 n=2
29 n=2
30 n=1
31 n=2
32 n=1
33 n=2
36 n=2
37 n=1

Interesting; there isn't a normal distribution between the ends of the spectrum. Beyond that, I don't know what to make of this.

Third sort: Where did you grow up?
In this state n=8
Elsewhere n=5

Of the whole population, 8 people have lived outside this state even if they are from here originally.

I guess this makes sense. Where I currently live, people tend to come from large families with deep roots in this area. But, I know that I look for people who have lived elsewhere and come back, or who are from the places I'm from, because that gives us something in common.

Fourth sort: Height
6' or over n=5
Under 6' n=8

This criterion is not a dealbreaker for me; I was just curious. I wouldn't rule someone out on height alone, although I have had experiences where men add a couple of inches to their height on paper, and then it's shocking when you meet them in person and they don't even come up to your chin. My philosophy is, why lie about something that you can't hide?

Fifth sort: Body style
JDate gives you the opportunity to select from a few pre-defined categories to describe your body style.

Active/fit n=6
Average/medium build n=3
Firm & toned n=2
Stocky n=1
Lean/slender n=1

This is isn't a useful sort. I compared each person's body style to their height and weight (if provided), and couldn't conclude anything. Besides, I would classify myself as "active/fit" even if I weren't (but I am, in case you're wondering), because the other answer choices aren't as flattering. What's more important to me is how active someone is, because I know I want to be with someone who is interested in taking care of themselves and who likes to do a variety of physical activities.

Sixth sort: Activity level
Again JDate offers these pre-determined answer choices.
Very active n=5
Active n=7
Selected activities (?) n=1

So, someone who describes himself as "active" could be a "lean/slender" or a "stocky" or a "average/medium" or an "athletic/fit". So, ultimately, there is no objective way to rate a person, because the profiles are all subjectively written! Even though I kind of knew this, I think this analysis helps solidify my opinion. You really don't know someone based on their profile. Everyone puts forward their idealized self on their profile. You want to make yourself sound good, right? Even if your profile doesn't exactly match who you *really* are. And I know I do this too; what good would it do me to put on my profile something like "I tend to over analyze every little thing and obsess about the tiniest detail. Oh, and by the way, I will blog about this."

Seventh sort:
Is the picture more impressive than the writing in the profile? n=6
Is the writing more impressive than the picture in the profile? n=7

I guess I wanted to know this about myself. Am I the type who bases her choices on looks or on substance. I feel confident saying here that how a person writes and presents himself is ultimately more important than the photo. But, it surely helps to have an attractive picture.

It's been 2 days since I emailed that bunch of prospective matches, and I have only heard from Bike Guy, so as time goes on, I guess the odds that I'll hear from any of the others decreases exponentially. (I would love to hear why they didn't respond to me. In the interest of research, I'd like to know why they didn't like me. My picture not good enough? My writing too sarcastic? My requirements too stringent? It would be fascinating to know these things.) Which means I should throw the others out of my analysis, which greatly reduces my n. And I guess the whole point of doing JDate is to increase the n!

Day 16

I had ice cream with B. last night as a 2nd date. It was much better than the first. I think my instincts were right about him being shy, because he was much more relaxed this time. We had a good time chatting, but after an hour and a half I reach a point where I just want to scurry home and hide under the covers, and I don't know if this is a sign of a bad date or if it's just me being me. He's so cute, and sweet, and smart, but all I could think of at the end of the date was "don't try to kiss me or anything!" and I ran.

So I'm still thinking about what to do next about B. How many dates does it take to know if a person is boyfriend material?

I met Funny Guy today when I picked up my event passes. I really enjoyed chatting with him. He's very easy going and funny and totally at ease with people. He's also a bit of a big wig because of his job. He's been interviewed for tv and print about this event, and he's also written a book about one of the local cities. But, again, no physical attraction. I totally want to be his friend, because he's so cool, but how do you tell that to someone you met on a dating site??

I want to print out all the profiles of the people I've sent emails to so far to see if I can find a pattern in my behavior, thereby shedding some light on how I go about choosing prospepctive dates, and perhaps finding a method to increase the likelihood of success.

I found another person to whom I'd consider sending an email: his name shall be Medicine Guy.

I exchange another round of email with Bike Guy. No one else from yesterday's group of seven has responded to me.

Also, I'm still having "suspended membership" problems with the site. Customer service has given me helpful advice such as "call us the next time it happens" and "perhaps an ex-boyfriend is using your password and logging into your account?" For the former, I've made 6 calls so far, and for the latter, I told JDate that I'm the only one who uses my computer and I live alone, and of course no ex-boyfriend knows my password, and even changing my password doesn't resolve the problem. Oy.

I seem to be drawn to people who are "not from here", because neither am I, and I guess we'd have that "stranger in a strange land" thing in common.

Seriously, the best part about the whole thing is blogging about it.

Day 15

I have been checking my personal email obsessively to see if I have gotten any responses to my multiple emails. I receive only one notification that I have a new message in the last 12 hours. Low self esteem kicks in. What's wrong with meeee? How come no one's looking at me or sending me email? When I log in to the site this afternoon (I know, it's not my allotted time but I wanted to get to the *one* message that was waiting for me), again I am asked if I want to unsuspend my membership. Now, I'm not saying that having my membership in a state of suspension is the only reason that I'm not getting any "hits", so to speak, but it probably isn't helping if my profile doesn't show up on the site. I call customer service again, but they see nothing wrong with my profile, and don't know why the suspension keeps happening. Perhaps someone else is using my account, or my computer? No, I say, it's just me. I live alone, and no one uses my computer. Call us back if it happens again, they say. How is that going to help? I shake my fist at the ceiling, in the imagined direction of all things JDate.

The message is from Bike Guy, one of the seven I emailed last night. His profile caught my eye because it was well-written and refers to some biking adventures that sound interesting. I have a newly acquired interest in mountain biking, so my message to him contained some local references that he might recognize. His response to me is written well, so I write back again.

I forgot to mention the other day that IM Guy tried IM'ing me again, but with a different username. I declined, of course, because you can't fool me with a new name!

To recap the potential suitors:
B. - 2nd date tonight
Funny Guy - offered me VIP passes to a local event; will meet him when I pick them up
Fitness Guy - nothing since our last IM exchange
Martial Arts Guy and this other guy without a nickname - they sent me a flirt, I sent an email back, no subesquent responses
IM Guy - seriously, I wish he'd stop.

The people I emailed last night:
Bike Guy - need I say more? We've exchanged emails
Tie Guy - good looking professional, self-proclaimed sports fanatic
Professional Guy - practicing professional who's into yoga and soccer
Young Guy - he's young, he said he's not looking for anything serious, but he's so cute
Shy Guy - he said he's shy but funny, and he's not from here
Lawyer Guy - outdoorsy
East Coast Guy - guess where he's from originally? Also, very witty.

I see that I tend to choose people based on how they write, even though I fall for a pretty face once in a while.

Day 14

I decide to give B. a second chance to make a first impression. We're meeting for ice cream tomorrow, and if we can't have a good time over ice cream, what hope is there for anything further?

I also sent 7 emails to prospective matches on JDate. I'm proud of me, because my emails are short but personal yet witty, if I do say so myself. I figure, I'm just trying to meet people by making a little conversation. I also figure, some of the people I contact aren't paying members and won't write me back, and some won't write back because they don't like my picture/are intimidated by my erudite style, so that leaves one or two who may respond. And if I correspond with a few people, and agree to meet one or two more in person, then this month will be considered a success.

Here's a funny story: so Funny Guy offered to give me a VIP pass for two to an upcoming foodie event that he is working. I say, sounds great. He says, I'll leave the passes for you under your name. So apparently I am invited to go to this event... but not with him!

I think I have my perspective back after the turmoil of this weekend! Thanks to all the commenters, public and private, who listened to me rant and kept me sane.

Day 13

Last night, I had worked myself up into a fine anxiety frenzy by the time I left my house to meet B. I had a 10 minute walk to our meeting place, and I tried my hardest to find the appropriate perspective: I joined JDate to meet people, and so here I was, going to meet an actual person. I was achieving my stated objective! There was no reason to be so nervous.

B. was waiting at our assigned spot and I instantly recognized him. My first thought was, "Oh, thank God, he's cute." How shallow of me. And my second thought was, "This is not going to work out."

We decided to walk around for a bit, since we had plenty of time before the concert and there was no line for entry. The conversation was extremely stilted; I tried to be peppy and ask a lot of questions. He gave short answers and didn't ask any questions in return, and I could feel my energy start to wane. I got the sense that he was extremely shy, and the awkwardness of the conversation reflected his reticence. I'm shy too, but I can turn on the performance when I have to, and I normally do on dates, but I got tired after about half an hour. I think all the anxiety and worrying and then performing wore me out. We found an outdoor bar patio where we could sit and talk.

I asked about his family, whether they attended a synagogue, and how they were connected to the Jewish community. We had a good discussion, and being able to talk about it reaffirmed why I am trying JDate. I felt like here was a connection; even though it wasn't romantic, I felt like being Jewish was a common element we shared and we could speak the same language about it. This connection, apparently, is not enough to build upon, but it did make me realize that this Jewish connection is important. I could also tell that he was lonely, that he didn't have a large group of friends and found it hard to meet people.

Around this time, B. started to relax a little and participate in the conversation. We talked about things we had addressed in email, like travel and work and hobbies. Then we headed to the concert venue, where we knew talking would be more difficult because of the noise. This was probably the most awkward phase of the evening, because I could tell the music wasn't to his taste, and it was so loud that it was hard to talk. We stayed for a set, about an hour, and then I convinced him that we could leave.

He dropped me off across the street from my house (I know! Not too safe, but I seriously needed the ride home--I was tired and had the start of a serious blister on my left heel), and then called me a few minutes later to say he had a good time and maybe we could do something again where it would be quieter. I said I had a good time too, and that he should email me and we'll see what happens. (I know! I should have ended it right there, but I was thinking I should give it a chance...)

I don't know if I would go out with B. again. He's very cute and very sweet, and reminds me very much of a foreign boyfriend I had once upon a time, but I just don't *feel* like this could turn into a relationship. Which brings up a few issues: 1) does every date have to turn into a relationship? and 2) (more of a comment, I guess) this is where online dating breaks down for me. I think I (and I guess I mean "all of us who do this") rely on my (our) brain a lot in everyday life. We analyze, we interpret, we weigh the pros and cons, we construct matrices that take all emotion out of the decision-making process. But when we date, we have to rely on our feelings, on an instant of assessment that determines future actions. We can rationalize ourselves into or out of anything, and that's where I am at the moment. I didn't feel the instant romantic connection, but there are a lot of other good qualities about B. that I like (he's terribly smart, and funny, and cute), so should I give it a second chance? But I didn't *feel* that *thing*! I'm a little sad that I didn't feel more for this one, but I'm also a little relieved that I get to keep trying. Last night, while listening to the band with B., I found myself thinking about some JDate emails I needed to return and what steps I should take to try meeting other people.

I think it's time to re-evaluate the situation, as we're halfway through this month-long experience. I thought, after last night, I would re-dedicate myself to trying to connect with a few more people so that I could meet a few more people in person before my month is up, but I'm still having profile problems. When I log in this morning, I get the "unsuspend membership?" question, so I send a second message to customer service. This is killing my dating strategy, such as it is.

Days 11 and 12

Nothing of note happened on Day 11, other than I took commenters' excellent advice and arranged to meet B. at a coffee shop near the concert venue instead of giving him my home address out of convenience's sake.

So here I am, on D(ate)-Day. All of Dori's pre-date anxieties hold true for me, except the ironing. No ironing here! That's one less anxiety for me.

I had terrible nightmares last night. One of which was that I arranged to meet B. at a specific time and place, but I was 40 minutes late, and I called him to apologize and see where he was, and he was justifiably peeved and had left, and I begged and pleaded and cried for another chance, but he said no.

Will I recognize him? Does he look like his picture? Will he do the drive-around-the-block-to-get-a-look-at-me-and-then-stand-me-up? Is this all an elaborate trick to humiliate me? Am I being Punk'd (or perhaps, Jew'd?)? Will I be able to understand his accent? What if he engages in totally inappropriate first-date behavior ( e.g., insults me, touches me, refers to certain body parts, touches certain body parts?) What if we hate each other on sight but are forced to spend several hours together at this concert? What if we like each other? What about the age difference? He's 4 years younger than I, which is a bigger age gap than any other previous dating experience of mine. His age-range criteria fell two years short of my age. Reading over his profile again, I see that it tells very little about him, which makes me wonder, how carefully did I evaluate him before basing my opinion on his picture? Do we have the same expectations for the evening, and for dating in general? Speaking of which, what are my expectations? I hope we both like each other equally, and have a good time, and plan to meet again.

Things that can go wrong: The weather--cooler than expected, which affects my wardrobe decision. My hair--any humidity and poof! Instant 'fro. My shoes--spectacular peep-toed pumps which look great with my outfit but are impractical for traipsing all over my town and staying upright at a standing-room-only concert. Also, the right one is in need of restitching in a key location, so if the last few stitches give tonight, I may need a piggy-back ride home. My stomach--nervous, which means I didn't eat much today which means drinking more than one alcoholic beverage is a bad idea.

What an odd way to meet people, this online dating thing. Complete strangers who know very little about each other agree to meet in person to see if they like each other enough to meet again. What are the odds that this other person is my version of normal? This experience is testing the boundaries of my comfort zone. I am comfortable with the way I have constructed my life: I know how to be single, I know how to be alone, I know that being alone is important to me. Meeting new people is hard for me for a few reasons: 1) I'm shy, and 2) I don't have a huge network of friends and contacts, so I rarely encounter new people.

Charming but single (a new blog find) put it so precisely: "Yes, I do want to date. But I also don't want to go on bad dates and lower my standards." Therefore, it's a lot easier to stay at home, in the comfort zone, rather than risk.

At any rate, I have just enough time for a nap before commencing date preparations.

Day 10

I forgot to include the response I got to my polite rejection from separated guy with kids:

Me: Hi--Thanks for your message. You sound nice, but not quite who I'm looking for. Lots of luck in your search!
Him: i'm not actually looking for anything other than someone to wordplay with. happy j dating.

Um, so why are you on a dating site?

Anyway. In an email, B. asks what's happened to my profile? I assume the "suspended membership" situation has not been resolved, since apparently my profile doesn't show up on the site, so I call customer service and the representative can't do anything to help me. Somehow, as both he and I are navigating in the depths of my profile, the problem resolves itself, so let the JDating begin again.

Need some advice regarding my date Saturday with B.: we're going to see a band that's playing within walking distance of my house. I was thinking of suggesting to him that he meet me at my place and park and we walk over together. This way, we're guaranteed to recognize each other, the complicated Saturday night parking situation is resolved, and we get a few minutes to chat in quiet before the show starts. On the down side, a complete stranger will know where I live. Thoughts?

Day 9

When I log in to JDate, I get a message asking if I want to unsuspend my membership. This has happened a few times. So is my membership suspended when I'm not logged in? I send a question to JDate's Help Desk.

I check to see if B. has been online. I've been "lurking" around his profile; that is, I go to the JDate main page and do a narrow search as a guest so he comes up in the results, and I can see whether he's logged in recently without having to sign in. I notice that B. has not logged in since we set a date to meet. Should I be flattered or scared?

A few minutes later, I see B. has logged in, so I IM him. At the same time, Fitness Guy IM's me. I figure, I can multitask, so I chat with them both simultaneously. I am afraid that I'll type a response to the wrong guy, causing mass confusion and embarrassment, but I seem to manage ok.

I have a really good chat with B., where we find we have similar opinions on smoking (hate it), movies (loved "The Machinist), and certain US cities (like to visit, wouldn't want to live there). I ask him to fill in the details about where he's lived, and he obliges. I'm really looking forward to our date Saturday!

The chat with Fitness Guy is also good; we trade some fitness stories, but I'm paying more attention to B.

After signing off with both suitors, I reply to a message from Funny Guy.

Just your average day on JDate...

Day 8

One of the problems I've had with relationships in the past is that I tend to let the other person drive the car, so to speak. I feel like I'm willing to try new things, like the other person's hobbies, but somehow in that process I tend to lose my focus on my own interests. Which is kind of strange, since I have a strong personality. So where's the balance between being totally true to yourself, as in, this is me, love it or leave it, and open-minded, as in, sure, I'd love to go to a shooting range with you, even though it goes against everything I stand for? This is what I mean about trying to stay true to myself throughout this online dating process. I think my hobbies and interests make me unique, and I enjoy the things I do, so I want to keep doing them, but then how do I make the time and effort to get to know someone else and their interests? Just something I'm wrestling with as I think about meeting people and keeping an open mind.

In other news, I worried all day about how to reply to *all* the messages that have been piling up over the last few days. Turns out, there only three messages to which I owe a reply. Two receive my "standard rejection" (one guy classified himself as "separated" and referred to his not-yet-ex wife in his profile!), and I spent some time composing a reply to Funny Guy. I don't know why I thought I had too much to handle.

But, I think I identified a new species on JDate. They send you a "flirt" and then don't read or respond to the reply you send. Two people I hotlisted have done this flirt-and-flake technique. I don't know how to spot them ahead of time, but I do know they're out there.

And finally, B. emailed to say he'd get tickets tomorrow for our date Saturday. Cute! I have a million questions I want to ask him, and I think it's because he's a little mysterious in the emails he's sent. And by mysterious, I could mean evasive. I'm not sure if he's shy, or not getting my questions, or deliberately avoiding them. Hmmm.

Day 7

Today, I'm tired. I don't feel like composing any semi-introductory email messages, so I think I'll take a day off. B. and I exchanged a couple of emails, and that's about all I can handle at the moment.

It's weird to think that perhaps B., like me, is also getting to know a few other people through email, and may have obligations to get online and keep up with the correspondence. I can see when he's been online, and vice versa, so it's not like it's a secret, and we certainly don't owe each other any fidelity at this point, but it's just weird.

Tomorrow I'll get back in the game.

Day 6

I really appreicate Dori's excellent observation that girls are somewhat in control of the pace of the exchange of personal information, since we've got to be more careful. I recommend her blog, her personal experiences, and her insights on dating. Thanks Dori!

So this morning, I offer B. my personal email address in my reply to his message.

Flirts received from the following, to which I replied:
Funny Guy. We "clicked" each other. I thought his profile was extremely funny, and though I'm not entirely sure about his pictures, I like his sense of humor. He wrote an excellent introductory email--should be the gold standard for all men on JDate. Maybe he could offer a seminar or a webinar or an instructional video.

Martial Arts Guy. Again, we "clicked" each other. His profile was funny, and his pictures were cute. I like men with martial arts experience.

Email from:
Random Guy. He emailed me. I have not seen him before, so he didn't come up in my searches. Seems like a nice guy, but a lot of his email was directly cut-and-pasted from his profile. Hmmm. And, he has several pictures, and each one looks so different from the other. 4 pictures, 4 totally different haircuts and 4 different looks. I don't know which one is the most accurate. Plus, he lives a little far for my tastes--about 60 miles. I hold off on replying to him.

I see Fitness Guy is online, so I IM him, partially to avoid emailing him directly. We chat just for a few minutes. The IM program through JDate is very slow, so we agree to send each other emails.

Just as I'm ready to log off, B. sends me an IM. I'm excited to hear from him, since I've been waiting all day to see if he would contact me at my personal email address. We chat for a while, and here's what transpires:
[me]: I think this IM program is pretty slow--it's not too conducive for chatting!
[B.]: yes, this must be it. Nothing to do with the fact that i'm multitasking
[me]: (thinking, multitasking? What are you doing, IM'ing multiple women at the same time?) I understand multitasking. I have a few windows open myself...
[B.]: trying to look up when exactly does [cool band] come to [your town]
[me]: I believe you said next Saturday?
[B.]: feel like coming to their show?
[me]: Definitely!

Eeee, a question, the best kind! A request for a date! We chat for a long time. Things look good from here!

It occurrs to me that the things he was saying to me in previous emails could have been oblique invitations, but who knows. It's hard to read subtleties with email.

I'm behind with my "cheat sheets" with all the potential JDates. I'm finding it's harder to remember what I've told whom, not what they've told me! How do I keep track of where I am with my stories?

I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about, worrying about, and surfing JDate. One of my original concerns (see the rules, Day 0) was that I'd get all obsessed with it, and I think I'm dangerously close to violating that rule. I need to learn how to manage my time better!

Day 5

After I get up and get moving this morning, I log into JDate to reply to the message from B. It's short--two sentences, but one of them is an actual, direct, requires-a-response question! Small victory for me. However, he asked where I go to medical school, which is strange, because nowhere in my profile or in our previous email conversations was there anything to indicate that I go to medical school. And, for the record, I'm *not* in medical school. So, apparently, I can't win. I get a question, but it's the wrong question. I compose a reply, politely but firmly correcting the medical school mistake, and following up with yet another question. In my head, I'm wondering if he's gotten me confused with another JDater Girl. I wonder if she asks all kinds of annoying questions too.

As I finish, I get a notice that a member wants to IM me. Oh no, I think, it's IM guy again, who clearly doesn't get the message. But it's Fitness Guy, someone who I hotlisted and who sent me a flirt that I replied to yesterday. We have a chat--mercifully, he asks me some questions, and I ask him some, so there is an actual, back-and-forth conversation going. After a few minutes, he says he has to go (off to do fitness-related stuff) but provides his personal email address and says I can email him anytime. I tell him he can email me anytime too.

I wonder whose responsibility it is to email now. It sort of feels like the responsibility is mine--he is using what I have heard called the "lead a horse to water" technique: you provide the opportunity and hope the other person takes it. I think this is probably what happens when you're confident you know the "system" and have been doing this for a while. But I don't want to do all the work. And I'm not sure I want to give out my personal email address yet. Because you can find out a lot of information about someone once you have their name. Case in point: I checked out Fitness Guy's website. Turns out he *is* a fitness guy, and is trying to start up a fitness business.

I also grab a notebook and start making notes on what I know about Fitness Guy and B. so far. Each gets his own page, so going forward, I can quickly refer back and avoid making the "medical school" mistake. It's not a spreadsheet, but perhaps a less-anal way of keeping track of JDates.

Reflecting on the past few days, it seems that most of my concerns are about process. What is the process for getting to know someone through a online dating service? I think I feel most comfortable with a few days of email exchanges, then if it still feels like there's potential (the first phase is where I can eliminate those without a love for the written word), proceed to personal email. Since I haven't gotten to phase 2 yet, I don't know what comes after. I wonder if I am understanding the process correctly, or if men have a completely different idea of the process.

Day 4

My essays have been approved, so now potential matches can read all about me.

I'm breaking my own rules--I checked JDate several times already today. I wonder what the protocol is for responding to emails on a Friday. Does it make me seem like a loser if I'm logging into the site on a weekend evening? Does it show a total disregard for the Sabbath?

I have a new email message from B., as well as a few flirts from others in my JDate inbox. I send a reply to B., including a question or two. His messages are good, as in well-written, but he doesn't ask the same type of questions that I do. I ask things like "So where in Europe have you traveled?" and "Where are some good paved rollerblading paths?", because in his profile he mentions these specific things. His responses to me include semi-questions which are somewhat rhetorical, as in, "that's right near you, isn't it?" It seems that you would ask questions if you wanted to find out about someone. He did send some specific links to things that I mentioned, such as a local band, so I definitely appreciate the effort. I'll try to not to read too much into it, and just "ride the horse in the direction it's going," as a friend of mine says.

Of course, now I wonder about the protocol for continuing the exchange. How many emails should go by before suggesting an activity? Who asks? Do we graduate to talking on the phone, or do we exchange personal email addresses? I've heard conflicting opinions on how much email must happen before personal contact is initiated. Plus, I gave him plenty of opportunities to pick up on my personal interests. Isn't it natural to say, for instance, "Oh, you like trolling antique fairs for classic baseball cards? Me too! We should check one out together this weekend." (Personal interests have been changed to protect the innocent.)

On to the other mail I received. Why do people send a "flirt"? It seens to be a bit of a cop-out. It puts the onus on the other person. The flirts I am receiving say "I'm intruiged--feel free to email me." Why don't *you* email *me* if you're so intrigued? How can I convey to potential suitors that I would be seriously impressed with a well-crafted email message?

IM guy from yesterday IM's me again. Why, why?

A few flirts are from people that I had hotlisted. Now I'm worried about managing multiple people at the same time. I've heard rumors of people using spreadsheets to keep all their suitors straight. I wouldn't go that far, but maybe have a standardized list of questions where I can gradually fill in information so that I can recall whose story is associated with what event?

Notification arrived that a message from B. is waiting for me in my JDate inbox just as I was on my way out the door for the evening. I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow to be read and answered!

Day 3

I'm a little disappointed that the people that I've hotlisted have not viewed my profile or contacted me. The only people who are looking at me are men in their 40s. From other states. I send my rejections.

I'm also not impressed with the functionality of the site. I'd like to be able to sort according to how I've rated my favorites (whether I think we'd "click", maybe, or no). I also can't see who's online by state or proximity, I have to look at all men in the US between a certain age range.

Checking my stats again, I see that a member that I've hotlisted is currently online and has indicated that he thought we'd "click." He's the first one I'm excited about! He's cute, tall, widely traveled, and physically active, if a little young. I start to compose an IM, but I chicken out and close the window before I send it. I'll draft an email instead...

By the time I send him an email, he's sent me one. I'll wait to see if he responds to mine.

Someone else tries to IM me. I decline, because he's divorced with 2 kids. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm in the middle of composing an email and divorced with kids is not tops on my list. I see in my inbox that I receive "IM Messages You Missed!", and divorced-2-kids guy said he can't tell what my username means because my essays have not been approved by customer service yet. Frustrating, because in them I use my words to express my wit. How long does it take to get essays approved? It's been 3 days!

B. sends me an email in response to the one I sent him. His message is fairly well written, and everything is spelled correctly. This makes me happy. He was born in Europe, has traveled extensively, and has been in this state for the past 3 years. He does not ask me any questions (I made sure to ask a question in mine--how else are you supposed to get the conversation going?), but I respond to his message anyway with some witty comments and another question. I'm over my hour time limit, but I'll give it a few more minutes before ending tonight's session.

Another email, but no questions about me. What does this mean? Is he not interested, or just not familiar with the rules of engagement? He's not from the US, so maybe different rules apply? I decide to IM him to see if I can get a little more response. He doesn't respond, and I'm ready to call it a night, so I send him an email saying I'd like to hear more about what he's yet to see in our area. I wouldn't mind hearing from him again!

Day 2

In my personal email account, I see that I have received some mail. In my allotted time slot, I log in, committed to answering my email in a timely and polite fashion. Almost immediately, I get a pop-up message asking if I will allow a member to IM me. I check out his profile and consider. He's younger than I am looking for, and I'm not really impressed by his profile or his pictures. But, I tell myself, I'm here to meet people. So I click on "accept" on the pop-up. An IM window opens, and this conversation ensues:

[him]: sup
[him]: what's up
[him]: what up
[me]: This is my first time using IM on JDate!

*long, long pause*

[him]: well that's cool I guess

*long, long pause*

[me]: (thinking, buddy, you IM'd me, so how's about working the conversation?) So, what's your name?
[him]: [his name]
[him]: u
[me]: [my name]

*long, long pause*

[him]: so what's with [your username] anyway?
[me]: Well, did you read my profile? I have a prediliction for a nicely-turned phrase
[him]: give me an example

(me, thinking: uh, was that not specific enough for you?)
[me]: {I forget exactly, but I used a few more big words and sibilant sentences}
[him]: that's complicated

*long pause*

[him]: do you use [other IM service]?
[me]: Nope.

*long pause*

[me]: Well, nice to meet you. I've got to run.

I log off the IM, since it's not too productive and I'm really not impressed with this guy. I go to my Inbox to deal with the one email message and two flirts I have received since yesterday. The first message is from a man in his 40s. Nice guy, but not for me. I give him my newly patented, polite-but-nice rejection. I try to do the same to the flirts, but it's hard to reply to a canned one-liner. I decide that a flirt doesn't warrant a personal response.

While I'm working on my mail, I keep getting pop-up messages that the IM guy from before wants to IM me again. I keep clicking "decline" but he keeps trying to IM me. I just ignore him after three "declines."

I organize my favorites before signing off for the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll send some emails. Baby steps!

Day 1

I'm trying to stick to my "one hour, one time a day" rule, so I don't log on to the site, but I keep checking my personal mail to see if I've received notification that I have messages. Already I'm obsessing. I get nothing the first 24 hours. I tell myself to be patient. These things take time. Even if you only have a month.

Day 0

I think I'm ready to try dating again after a long, self-imposed hiatus. I think I know what I'm looking for, and I think I'm ready to invest the time and effort necessary to find people to date. I think I'm ready to handle the worrying about self-esteem, worrying about being true to what I want, worrying about rejecting unsuitable suitors kindly but firmly. It's summer, and I have some time, and I feel like I'm ready to take a chance again (thanks, Barry Manilow!).

Based on prior experiences, both in person and online, I have some guidelines for myself about acceptable dating procedures, so that I don't get all emotionally and intellectually wrapped up in this. Here they are:
1. Only spend one hour max, one time a day, checking email and browsing profiles.
2. Reply to all messages. When rejecting, be polite but firm. (My best friend said to come up with a "standard rejection" ahead of time so that I can just pull it out and use it when necessary and avoid all the angst.)
3. Know what I want and don't deviate. That's the hard part. It's hard to get beyond the generic. I know I want to date someone smart, funny, good looking, athletic. But who doesn't consider themselves to be all of the following? I know I do. Does this mean I really *am* these things, or do I have an overinflated sense of self?

Anyway, it's all systems go. I'm officially signed up on JDate, my profile is active and visible, my essays are well-written and witty, and I'm ready to meet a nice Jewish boy. I will give this endeavor one month of effort, and chronicle my adventures here for all to see.